Categories
Creativity Poetry

Why She Walks with a Big Stick

The guy
in the red Jeep
at my back bumper
roars GO FASTER
and I try, within
the limits;
arrive to the woods
in fight-or-flight
and breathe;
on inhale, my jacket,
on exhale, my phone;
OUT OF THE WAY!
a dude in a spit-shined
Range Rover
guns MOVE OVER
so he can park HERE
here where I’m breathing
despite 8 other spaces
HERE, HERE!
another man yells
to a bitch too far ahead,
two men now
and two dogs
four times as loud
COME HERE! STOP!
I don’t know, don’t care
don’t stay
leave and park
at another trailhead
where an old Retriever
waits sweet and ghostlike
until an angry voice bellows,
makes us startle
GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!
she bows her head
greeting, prayer,
or a mutual understand
that the woods would
be so much quieter
if we could beat back
the invasives just a bit.


Your donations support our
ongoing creative efforts. Thank you!

Photo by Furkan Gรผnes. Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity

Now on Sale! MANIFEST (zine): Paper Prayers – A Commonplace Book

Commonplace books are essentially scrapbooks filled with items of every kind: recipes, quotes, letters, poems, tables of weights and measures, proverbs, and prayers. Paper Prayers – A Commonplace Book is a collection of some favorite quotes, both old and new, from many years ago and ones I still reach for today for inspiration or solace, for guidance or reassurance. I hope you enjoy this issue of MANIFEST (zine) ย โ€” maybe you will find something to copy into your own commonplace book!

This issue was inspired by my friend, author Judith Bruder.

INGREDIENTS: collaged elements, photocopies, digital art, ephemera, hand-drawn fonts, laser prints, photography, poetry, quotes, rubber stamp art, vintage artwork. With special thanks to Robert Graves, Antoine de Saint-Exupรฉry, Susan Page, Henry Stanley Haskins, Robert Fulghum, Robert Frost, Benjamin Hoff, Dale Carlson, May Sarton, Don Miguel Ruiz, Janet Mills, Elizabeth Gilbert, Walt Whitman, Ted Andrews, Henry David Thoreau, Richard Carlson, Osho, Henry Beston, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Emily Dickinson, Anne Lamott, Ram Dass, Daniel Goleman, Carl Sagan, Mary Oliver, Louise Hay, Brenรฉ Brown, Brian Tracy, Newton, Isaac Newton, Neale Donald Walsch, and Reinhold Niebuhr.

28-page, Full Color 5 x 8 booklet. Cost: $10.00.

This issue has been printed and mailed thanks to the generous support of readers. I’m hoping to continue publishing MANIFEST (zine) through 2026, but could use your help. Please click here for more information.


You can pay through PayPal using a PayPal account or any standard credit card. If you prefer the old school approach, please send your check, made payable to Jen Payne, P.O. Box 453, Branford, CT 06405.


Categories
Creativity Travel

Road Trip Big Bend: Coda

Chisos Mountains from El Camino Del Rio

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

Gulf Coast Highway

Gulf coast highway, he worked the rails
He worked the rice fields with their cold dark wells
He worked the oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico
The only thing we’ve owned is this old house here by the road

And when he dies he says he’ll catch some blackbird’s wing
And we will fly away to heaven
Come some sweet blue bonnet spring

She walked through springtime when I was home
The days were sweet, our nights were warm
The seasons changed, the jobs would come
The flowers fade, and this old house felt so alone
When the work took me away

And when she dies she says she’ll catch some blackbird’s wing
And she will fly away to heaven
Come some sweet blue bonnet spring

Highway 90, the jobs are gone
We kept our garden, we set the sun
This is the only place on Earth blue bonnets grow
And once a year they come and go
At this old house here by the road

And when we die we say we’ll catch some blackbird’s wing
And we will fly away to heaven
Come some sweet blue bonnet spring

Yes when we die we say we’ll catch some blackbird’s wing
And we will fly away together
Come some sweet blue bonnet spring


Songwriters: Danny Flowers / James Brown / Nanci Griffith

Categories
Creativity Travel

Road Trip Big Bend: Playlist

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

MONDAY

Up before dawn, we dressed and packed up the car in dark. A short stop for coffee and we were on our way to the looming Chisos Mountain range, the centerpiece of Big Bend National Park.

Desert sunrise

The Chisos Mountains are the heart of Big Bend National Park. They extend twenty miles from Punta de la Sierra in the southwest to Panther Junction in the northeast. It is the only mountain range totally contained within a single national park. Among the highest peaks in the range are Emory Peak (7,835 feet above sea level), Lost Mine Peak (7,535 feet), Toll Mountain (7,415 feet), and Casa Grande Peak (7,325 feet).

A 7-mile long paved road climbs into the Chisos Mountains Basin, a circular valley ringed by craggy peaks. In the Basin there is a developed National Park Service Campground and Park ranger stationed. Chisos Mountains Lodge operates the only hotel in the park and a dining room with the grandest view of any in Texas. The Chisos Mountains support vegetation that includes Douglas fir, Aspen, Arizona cypress, Maple, Ponderosa pine, and Madrone. Daytime highs in the summer rarely exceed 90 in the Basin, and there is plenty of shade.

Driving in the dark was amazing. Beyond our headlights, there were no signs of life as far as the eye could see. DeLinda stopped the car, turned off the lights and engine, and we were at once blanketed in the softest, widest blanket of darkness. The air was cool and refreshing. Slowly, outlines of the mountains in front of us began to appear, and life sprang forth, including a jack rabbit that crossed in our path!

A right turn brought us to the mouth of the Chisos Basin road, a winding hilly drive that led us up along the side of the mountains, up over and down to the center of this crown-like mountain range. At the center and bottom sat a sprawling campground and the Chisos Mountain Lodge. Perched inside the Basin, cupped by giant mountain walls, the Lodge faces south over Big Bend. A natural opening called โ€œThe Windowโ€ afforded views of the park as the sun climbed higher in the morning sky.

An all-windowed dining room was the perfect amphitheater for the sunrise, and we had front row seats as we enjoyed a scrumptious buffet. We ate like we hadnโ€™t in days, and devoured our filled plates of eggs, bacon, fruit, biscuits, grits and salsa.

Sunrise from the Chisos Basin

Some photos and souvenirs, and we were back on the road again, backtracking through Panther Junction, north up 385, 70 miles back into Marathon. Overhead, hawks and eagles watched our departure and the sun on our backs pushed us along out from Big Bend and east along Highway 90.

Nancy Griffith sings about Highways 90, the Gulf Coast Highway. She was just one of our eclectic selection of music on this trip, that included the Partridge Family, Paul Simon, Bare Naked Ladies, Willie Nelson, Indigo Girls, Steely Dan, Dixie Chicks, Robert Earl Keene, Randy Travis, Sting, Amy Mann, Suzy Bogus, Eagles, Sheryl Crow, Lyle Lovettt, Lilith Fair, Gypsy Kings, and Abba. Each of us sharing our favorites along the way.

Highway 90 took us six hours east through West Texas, past Sanderson and Dryden on into Langtry. Here, we stopped at the Judge Roy Bean Museum. This was a weary day, and you could see our enthusiasm wane just a bit as we made plans to stop for lunch and visit the exciting town of Del Rio.

The slick and glossy brochure for Del Rio said this was THE place to beโ€”shopping, recreation, happy Mexican dancers. We drove down now-congested Highway 90 into a stretch of every fast food joint, gas station, and car dealer known.

In the first five minutes, we saw more people than we had in the past three days! It was quite a culture shockโ€”the cars, the people, the noise! I was reminded of Gulliver returning from the land of the Houyhnhms where he lives among the majestic horse-creatures and the โ€œYahoosโ€ or humans…

โ€œI must freely confess the sight of them filled me only with hatred, and the more by reflecting on the near alliance I had to them,โ€ wrote Jonathan Swift. โ€œFor although since my unfortunate exile from the Houyhnhm country, I had compelled my self to tolerate the sight of Yahoos…yet my memory and imagination were perpetually filled with the virtues and idea of those exalted Houyhnhm.โ€

We stopped in โ€œhistoricโ€ downtown Del Rio, wondering how this congestion of dollar stores and loan shops was โ€œThe Best of the Borderโ€? We didnโ€™t say much as we drove east out of Del Rio, rather quickly, and on into San Antonio, then north through Johnson City and back into Austin.

In an airplane, you are aloft at some 30,000 feet in a vast skyscape of blue and white, with only your fellow travelers as company. And then, as you make the approach to your destination, the world slowly reappears. You begin to make out cities and buildings, houses and backyards, cars and people. With one weighty tug you are back to earth, and back home.

In the same way, our world took shape again. Out from the expanses of vast desert and majestic mountains, out from the quiet and dark, back into this bustling hub of activityโ€”for better or for worse.

By the time we reached Austin at 7:30 Monday night, we had charted more than 1,500 miles on our adventure. Our modern-day weariness happily replaced by a shared exhaustion, a feeling of accomplishment, and a heartfelt sense of camaraderie.

โ€œThereโ€™s a pale sky in the east
all the stars are in the west
Oh, hereโ€™s to all the dreamers
may our open hearts find rest
The wing and the wheel are gonna carry us along
And weโ€™ll have memories for company
long after the songs are gone.โ€

โ€” Nancy Griffith

Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Travel Creativity

Road Trip Big Bend: This one timeโ€ฆin Mexico

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

SUNDAY

Presidio (pop 4,167) was the largest town we visited since Fort Stockton. The Mexican influence was obvious in this bordertown, and we drove through rather quickly intent on a visit to Mexico.

And so we drove, through Presido, through the border patrol, over the bridge and on into Ojinaga, Mexico. Encapsulated in our American SUV, we looked out the window into this dusty, congested town bustling with activityโ€”car dealers, restaurant, pinata stores and street vendors.

It was at the first intersection that I realized this was not what I expected. As we sat at a red light, ready to head right, the car behind us beeped its horn. I looked up to see if we could take a right on red and saw not one sign in English! Storefronts, street signs…all, of course, in Spanish!

There has been no easy transition from English to Spanish, from America to Mexico. We were on foreign soil, so foreign that even our adventurous souls agreed to turn around. And so we drove right and then left and then right back to the border crossing, where we spent more time waiting to get back into the U.S. than we did in Mexico!

In our seats, we waited as patiently as we slowly approached the ominous border patrol. Forty-five minutes later, DeLinda rolled down the window and the border patrol officer asked if we were all U.S. citizens. In unison, without a word, the three of us held up our driverโ€™s licenses and smiled. The officer almost laughed…these three pale white women in red bandannas with travel brochures and beef jerky strewn across the front seat. U.S. citizens indeed!

Mexico behind us, we appropriately stopped at a Presidio restaurant, El Alamo, and feasted on salsa and chips, tacos and burritos.

Driving back the River Road, we saw backwards where we had been, and stopped along the way to snap photos we had missed on our earlier journey. Weary, we camped out at the hotel for the night. Tomorrow, we drive home…

View of the rio grand, back towards Presidio, from the โ€œbig hillโ€
Chisos Mountains from El Camino Del Rio
Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Creativity Travel

Road Trip Big Bend: El Camino Del Rio

El Camino Del Rio Vista

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

SUNDAY

EI Camino del Rio extends more than 50 miles from Lajitas to Presidio on Farm-to-Market 170. Considered one of the most spectacular routes in the whole of Texas, El Camino del Rioโ€”the River Roadโ€”plunges over mountains and into steep canyons as it follows the sinuous Rio Grande through the desolate but wildly beautiful Chihuahuan Deserted [and] the Big Bend Ranch State Natural Area, a 420-square-mile preserve encompassing the River Road.

The town of Lajitas (la-HEE-tahs) [was] established in 1915 as an Army post to protect settlers from Pancho Villa, the famed Mexican renegade. Route 170 begins its roller-coaster course before you even leave the town, following the Rio Grande west.

The road swings away from the river [and back]โ€ฆ.After 2 to 3 miles youโ€™ll see a cluster of weathered volcanic ash formations called hoodoos along the riverโ€ฆ.The drive then starts a steady, 5-mile climb up the โ€œbig hillโ€ of Santana Mesa. A major engineering feat, this portion of the road ascends at a 15% grade. At the summit, an overlook affords superlative views of the canyon below and the rugged, forbidding volcanic landscape that sweeps to the horizon.

As you make your serpentine descent off the mesa, the Rio Grande winds below, a green path through the wild Chihuahuan Desert. The Rio Grande Valley continues to widen, filled with a sculptural array of eroded lava hills and mesas. You cross Panther Creek then pass a narrow fissure known as Closed Canyon, the first in a series of canyons along this undulating stretch. Continuing on, you have expansive scenes of the arid valley below.

About 10 miles farther on, the drive enters windblown Redford, an old farming community. Pressing on through open range, the road finds the river again and passes through a couple of refreshingly green oases before entering Presidio.

National Geographic Guide to Scenic Highways and Byways

El Camino Del Rio presented the most varying scenery of this tripโ€”vast expanses of now-familiar desert, huge terra-cotta stone mesas towering above, white volcanic ash mountains and sculptures called โ€œhoodoos.โ€

In the Valleyโ€”sometimes below, sometimes alongsideโ€”lush tall grasses and trees grow. You can almost imagine them deciding to congregate here along side the winding Rio Grandโ€”low grumbling voices in agreement, like the Ents in โ€œLord of the Rings.โ€

The curvaceous road takes us up from the river. Winding! Twisting! Throwing us up! the sides of mountains and down! beneath huge walls of rock and then up! again. Then flat road for miles…surprised by smaller hills, like bunny-hops on a roller coaster.

This road was at once exciting and frightening, showing us unimagined sights and then disappearing below the hill in front of usโ€”will it curve right? left? We hold our breaths and wait for the road to materialize before us.

โ€œLoose Livestockโ€ signs make us laugh at the image of risque cattle along the side of the road, catcalling to us as we fly by at 50, now 70, now 15 miles an hour. Ahead, the towns of Lajitas, Redford and Presidio, and then Ojinaga, Mexico.

We had talked about staying at Lajitasโ€”a $200 a night resort dropped down here by some โ€œforward thinkingโ€ developer who obviously felt this fabulous, natural wilderness needed an exclusive, high priced spa/resort complete with lighted tennis course, golf course and western-themed shopping plaza.

We drove past without stopping, grateful for our cooler full of snacks and beef jerky. Westward.

This part of the region is called Big Bend Ranch State Park and encompasses 287,000 acres of wilderness. They call it โ€œsome of the most remote and rugged terrain in the southwest.โ€

If you look at a map of electrical light across the U.S., this is the place where it stops. The northeast is cluttered with light, but the farther west you drive, the more dark it becomes. Here, there are no street lights, no glaring disturbances of light or hum of electricity. It is so dark here that the McDonald Observatory, north near Alpine, claims one of the best skies for star observation in the country.

El Camino Del Rio, looking toward Presidio, from the โ€œbig hillโ€
Along El Camino Del Rio
Hoodoos
Hoodoos
The Ents
Roller Coaster
Towards Mexico

Desert colors along El Camino Del Rio
By the hand of God
Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Travel Creativity

Road Trip Big Bend: It’s a Ghost Town

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

SUNDAY

Sunday morning found us well-rested and ready for our journey down โ€œEl Camino Del Rio,โ€ the River Road. โ€œFor over 30 miles, El Camino del Rio twists and winds with the Rio Grande, crossing arroyos, climbing mountains, and hugging canyon walls. The โ€œBig Hillโ€ has one of the steepest grades on a highway in Texas, and at the top, the view looks east to the Chisos Mountains 75 miles, and west into Colorado Canyon and mountain ranges deep into Mexico.โ€

We awoke early enough to catch the sun rising over the mountains, and all agreed that it would be great to see the sun rise in the park the next morning.

Our first stop, after coffee and a photo opp outside the hotel, was the Terlingua Ghostown, an old mining camp, now partially deserted and left in ruins. An elaborate gift shopโ€”incredibly out of placeโ€”kept us occupied for nearly an hour, as we scouted out the first truly commercial establishment since we left Austin.

Historic Terlingua…often referred to as the โ€œGhostownโ€…was home of the Chisos Mine, which extracted cinnabar, or Mercury ore. The Chisos was the largest of almost a dozen cinnabar mines in what was once know as the Terlingua Mining District….During the boom days of 1913-1918, the population of Chisos Mine and Historic Terlingua was over 2000.

Several structures have been restored or stabilized. The main building once housed the largest retail store between Del Rio and El Paso. It now houses shops and a restaurant. Many of the stone minersโ€™ cabins have been restored by a new generation of inhabitants. The massive adobe walls of the original owners mansion still stand, and demonstrate how quickly boom goes to bust. Although Historic Terlingua is all private property, much of it is open to the public.

The $1 walking tour brochure led us around the town and ruins, but we opted to skip numbers 6 through 15 and headed to the hauntingly attractive Ghostown Cemetery. Here, we discovered old and new graves adorned with rugged crosses of wood and iron. Candles and monuments dotted the small stone mountains standing in memory of the people who once occupied this town.

Today, people still live in the Ghostown, in makeshift houses created from the ruins. New roofs and walls attach to golden adobe brick skeletons. They call this home and we drive off toward Presidio in our SUV with our newly purchased chachki.

Ghostown cemetery
Ghostown cemetery
Ghostown cemetery
Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Creativity Travel

Road Trip Big Bend: Mavericks

Santa Elena Canyon

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

SATURDAY

Leaving Castolon, we drove through the Rio Grand flood plain, dry and dusty, with trails of old river and flood obvious in the hallowed-out ground. Rocks and sand covered the road and spit up clouds of dust that made our mouths pasty and our lips parched. We stopped for a moment at the grand Santa Elena Canyon โ€” a massive wall of rock standing tall along the Texas and Mexico border. Beyond, Mexico. There.

We turned north, along Old Maverick Roadโ€”a well-worn, dirt road leading 13 miles north toward Terlingua and Study Butte (pronounced โ€œstewdy by-ootโ€).

Driving this isolated road, we felt part of everything. Alone, it was easy to imagine the early visitors here, stunned by the awesomeness of this flat landscape, surrounded by these massive, prehistoric stone mountains.

Santa Elena Canyon
Along the base of Santa Elena Canyon
Where the pavement endsโ€ฆOld Maverick Road
Along Old Maverick Road
Seussian landscape

North, at Maverick Junction, we headed northwest up Route 118 into Study Butte and Terlingua. We lunched at Ms. Tracyโ€™s, an eclectic looking cafe with an open porch out front and a blow-up Santa next to the road signโ€”easy to forget it was only five days until Christmas!

My sister wanted to eat inside. โ€œIโ€™ve had enough of the outdoors today!โ€ And so we sat inside, a room that felt like Ms. Tracyโ€™s dining room, while she prepared our lunch in the kitchen next to us in this โ€œcome as you are home cooking emporium.โ€ The three of us enjoyed the stillness of not traveling as we ate our homemade Mexican lunch: salsa, picadillo, burrittos, migas.

After lunch, we made our way to the Big Bend Motor Inn, a 1950s style strip motel planted next to an RV park at the base of stone peaks. From the front of the hotel, you could look back to the vast stone park we had just left.

My sister napped while DeLinda and I took off into town, stopping for wine and snacks. Full from lunch, we opted for snacks in the room before heading to La Kiva for drinks.

Driving along the winding road in the jet black night, we found our way to this local bar recommended by DeLindaโ€™s hairdresser Anne Monique. La Kiva is a โ€œa unique structure of massive sandstone boulders, cut into a terrace overlooking Terlingua Creek.โ€ Just as unique were the patrons inside…

We followed DeLinda down the narrow stone passageway, through ominous doors into a room filled with localsโ€”a skinny woman in overalls with long braided pigtails serving drinks, an urban-looking cowboy, 50ish, seated at the bar, a bawdy woman twisting her cropped bleach blond hair and flirting with the woman next to her, a biker with a long Amish beard leaning against a far wall, and the bass player in funky white sunglasses…

We drank, acutely aware of these strangers and not feeling very welcomed. We were tourists, doing our best to act like we belonged when clearly, we did not. The funny thing is, each of us, in our own way, were as odd as the people in that bar. Our life experiences, our quirks, our eccentricities gave us membership, even if the locals did not.

Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Its Ledger

The turkey
its wings fanned
like pages in a book
left open
spine cracked
a hundred stories
prostrate
in the the road
as we passed
one lone feather
floating
silent
asking
to be told.


Your donations support our
ongoing creative efforts. Thank you!

Photo by Furkan Gรผnes. Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Travel

Road Trip Big Bend: West Texas Women

Near Castolon Historic District

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

SATURDAY

In Castolon, the southernmost point of this drive, we stop to rest. DeLinda and I get out of the car to stretch our legs; I look to my sister in the back seat to ask if she will join us. She sits, knitting, with the most peaceful and contemplative smile on her face. I close the door quietly and catch up with DeLinda.

We came South today with the idea that we will cross into Mexico, near the Santa Elena Canyon. The travel books tell of river crossings where small boats take visitors across to Mexican villages for lunch and shopping, and we are excited. But, a stop at the Castolon Historic District alerts us to a post 9/11 change that makes such crossings illegal and attached to a $5,000 fine and jail time!

It was only by chance that we saw the sign on our way into a small sundries shop in this former border outpost. Inside a woman transplanted here, from Cape Cod of all places, agrees with our decision to not visit Mexico today!

We met a number of such transplanted women on our trip. They were concession hosts in the park, restaurant owners like Ms. Tracy in Study Butte, and shop owners. It seems this is the place for disenchanted but strong women to remake themselves.

At the same time, almost every story of men moving to the area spoke of their love for a woman who would not join them. It seems nothing they didโ€”not the Terlingua mining man who built a theater, or Judge Roy Bean who named a saloon after his loveโ€”would entice them to come.

It must take a very special kind of woman to call this desert home. Most we saw or met were independent and capable; strong willed and, I imagine, strong in temperament. Their eyes were bright and steadfast, their faces aged . Were we meeting them all at the same times in their lives? Or does the very personality of this place etch itself into all faces, branding them as belonging here, and no where else.

They were not friendly to us three outsiders. We were visitors, spending our disposable income in their impoverished home town. We were on vacation, they were living. The things we take for granted too numerous to list became glaringly obvious at almost every stop along this tripโ€”in Terlingua and Study Butte, in Presido, in Ojinanga, certainly, and Del Rio.

A cookbook I bought featured the annual Terlingua Chili Cook-off. The original proceeds of the book financed the building of a Big Bend High School. Previously, kids were up at 4:30 a.m. and bussed 160 miles round trip to Alpine each day!

These small towns were so unexpected to the eye, appearing in the middle of nowhere. โ€œWeโ€™re not nowhere,โ€ DeLinda would say, โ€œWeโ€™re in Terlingua!โ€

What we expectedโ€”what I expectedโ€”with the mention of the word โ€œtownโ€ was some commercial strip of shops. A New England Main Street complete with stores and people and houses. What we saw, instead, was a mismatched mix of small shacks, trailers transformed into shops and homes, old structures makeshifted into a town of similarly mismatched people, making there way in this barren and rough outpost of America.

 


Big Bend Pictures
It takes a long time to get to know the Big Bend. And to get acquainted with the independent, self-contained, slightly quirky people who call this place home …well, that can take a lifetime. James Evans understands that. Recalling his decision to make the Big Bend his artistic muse and photographic subject, he says, โ€œI moved here in 1988 to dedicate my life to the Big Bend and its people. I donโ€™t shoot pictures and leave and make a book. This work is a slow accumulation of years of being here. The mountains are familiar friends and the people my heroes. I am one of them.โ€


Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Creativity Travel

Road Trip Big Bend: Scenic Drive

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

 

SATURDAY

We enter the park at Persimmon Gap, some 40 miles south of Marathon. Almost immediately, the landscape becomes Seussianโ€”small tufts of trees, green and purple cacti, and ocotillo โ€” tall, finger-like plans that grow from a center base and reach upward in random direction. In the spring, they are green with red flowers, but in winter, they are ashen and dry, like fingers of an old man reaching up for something more.

And as we drive, each of us imagines this place in early days, remembers the Indians, the cowboys and ranchers, the horse and cattle that once enjoyed this vast and remote wilderness.

We spy a family of javalina (do not call them pigs!) on our way to Panther Junction. On this trip we will see javalina, deer, jack rabbits, hawks, road runners, cattle, goats, sheep and golden eagles.

After a stop at the Panther Junction Visitorโ€™s Center, we head east to the Ross Maxwell Scenic Drive.

We drive for nearly two hours along this curving road, stopping along the way to visit the abandoned Sam Neil Ranch, to enjoy the view from Sotol Vista.

[The] Ross Maxwell Scenic Drive [extends 32 miles south from ] Santa Elena Junction to Santa Elena Canyon overlook in Big Bend National Park .

Wedged within the big bend of the Rio Grande, which forms the U.S. border with Mexico, the 801,163-acre Big Bend National Park contains deserts, canyons, mesas, and mountains. The driveโ€”designed by Ross Maxwell, a geologist and the national parkโ€™s first superintendentโ€”gives you a look at Big Bendโ€™s remarkably varied terrain. From Santa Elena Junction in Big Bend National Park, the drive heads south. Mountains command the left view, with Burro Mesa on the right. After about 2 miles, you can make out angular and domed formations in the mountain rock that indicate ancient volcanism. Fortressโ€”like outcroppings called dikesโ€”are also common here. For the next few miles you ascend steadily past boulder strewn slopes. Sotol Vista, one of the best views in the park, offers a stunning perspective on Santa Elena Canyon and the floodplain of the Rio Grande. From here, the drive descends through a series of switchbacks, past views of the unmistakable Mule Ears Peaks formal icon: Tuff Canyon, named for its gray, volcanic ash rock and Cerro Castollan, a pile of volcanic rock that towers 1,000 feet. As you continue curving down, the Chihuahuan Desert benchland suddenly opens before you.

Donโ€™t bypass the old Army compound of Castolon, a frontier trading post still open for business. Paralleling the Rio Grande, the road crosses a fertile floodplain. The scattered remains of old adobe buildings along this stretch mark former farms. About 8 miles from Castolon, the Santa Elena Canyon Overlook offers a view down on the narrow Rio Grande flowing through a chasm with 1,500-foot limestone walls, The road ends half a mile farther, where a 1.5-mile trail leads into the mouth of the canyon.

National Geographic Guide to Scenic Highways and Byways

Javalina in the foreground
Ocotillo
View from the Ross Maxwell Scenic Drive
View from the Ross Maxwell Scenic Drive
Mule Ears Peaks
Looking north from Soltol Vista, where weโ€™ve beenโ€ฆ
South from Soltol Vista, into Santa Elena Canyon, where we go.
Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Creativity Travel

Road Trip Big Bend: Big Bend National Park

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

 

SATURDAY

Was it the utter silence that kept us awake all night? Perhaps the Southern Pacific railroad that passed in front of the hotel at least three times between midnight and five? Or maybe our weary brains were filled with the thoughts of the adventure ahead? Despite it all, we awoke in the morning full of conversation and excited!

It was cold outside, maybe 35 degrees, but steaming showers in the luxurious bathroom warmed us. With breakfast snacks of fruit and bagels and coffee, we were packed and back on the road by eight.

Route 385 leaves Marathon in the distance behind us, and we make our way south into Big Bend National Park โ€” an 801,000 acres park that fills the southwestern section of Texas and borders the Rio Grand and Mexico. One guidebook compares Big Bend to the size of the state of Rhode Island!

As we drive south toward the park, we pass a large buck along the side of the road. He grandly jumps the fence as we pass, no doubt startled by the ferocity of our mighty engine roaring across the morning desert.

That desert stretches out before us with bold mesas standing wait aheadโ€”this is where we will travel todayโ€”to Panther Junction, east to Santa Elena Junction past the Chisos Mountains to our left, then southwest down the Ross Maxwell Scenic Drive which โ€œskirts the western slopes of the Chisos Mountains, climbing up to one the parkโ€™s most outstanding views at Sotol Vista, then winding down to parallel the Rio Grande at Castolon Historic District and winding up at Santa Elena Canyon trailhead, where the pavement ends.โ€

Heading South from Marathon
On the road to Big Bend
How we travel
Santiago Peak, Route 385
South on 385 from Marathon
Chisos Mountain Range near Panther Junction
Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Creativity Travel

Road Trip Big Bend: The Gage

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

 

FRIDAY

As we drove Route 385, we followed old electrical polesโ€”short well-worn wooden stakes, in no particular shape or conformity. Some still wore glass transformers, now perched in sad and telltale disemploy.

This place is a time capsule. In New England, we make treasure of artifacts and architectures from our colonial past now hundreds of years gone. Here, the past is not so distanceโ€”a mere century, slightly more. Much of what they consider recentโ€”houses, shops, utilitiesโ€”would have been bulldozed eons ago back home, where everyone seems to strive for better and more and now!

The Gage Hotel

The Gage Hotel sits like an oasis in the vast, flat-out landscape. As I flew into Austin (was that just the day before?), we passed north of Houston. The pilot announced it on the intercom and I bravely looked, expecting to see a great metropolis below, as if peering down from a skyscraper. I strained to see for several minutes before I saw it…a small remark on the ground below, like a chess piece on a giant game board.

In the same way, Marathon and The Gage sat in play in this desert.

Our bodies tired and dry from the eight and a half hour drive, we stepped into the lobby and were greeted by a warmth one imagines greeted weary cowboys in from the ranchโ€”deep, soft leather sofas, rocking chairs, and a great buffalo head above a dancing fire. Outside, the 50 degree afternoon seemed an odd backdrop to the evergreen boughs and poinsettia.

Our room was one of the last along a long courtyard next to the main hotel. The doors, made from old mesquite, barely closed and were decorated by a red chile wreath. Inside, two iron beds with soft mattresses, down comforters, wool western blankets, and soft coffee-colored linens invited us in to rest. Clay tiles the color of terra-cotta pots lined the floors, and western decorโ€”chaps, cowboy photos, a cowskin rugโ€”set the mood.

The bathroom was divine with Mexican tile, wooden doors with wrought iron handles, and a linen shower curtain embroidered with colored flowers. Spa bath products of sage and rosemary and welcoming white robes bid us to stay a while and enjoy.

Welcome to Los Portales, โ€œThe Porchesโ€, at the Gage Hotel. We hope that you enjoy your stay with us. We would like to share with you some of the more unique aspects of the architecture, the furnishing and the artifacts of the room in which you are staying. All the building materials and decor of Los Portales, and the Gage, are representative of the Mexican, Indian and Anglo cultures of the Big Bend area. They are configured around a courtyard, or โ€œplacitaโ€, which historically provided a protected open space and often was the location of the community well. Our โ€œwellโ€ is a fountain made in Mexico out of soft volcanic stone called โ€œcanterraโ€. It offers relief from the desert sun with the sound of trickling water and the cooling effect of evaporation.

The adobe bricks, a sun dried mixture of this caliche soil, straw and water, were made on the lot just north of Los Portales. Some 80,000 were used in constructing these buildings. The exterior of the buildings are plastered with three coats of cement stucco while the interior of the rooms are plastered with three coats of gypsum plaster and then finished with a coat of wax. The adobes in the patios and pool area are stabilized and have been left exposed.

One of the first things you might notice at Los Portales are the entry doors to the rooms. These doors, no two of which are the same, are very old mesquite doors salvaged from abandoned buildings in Mexico. Most of these doors are handmade and are well over 100 years old. Please be patient with them if they do not open or close easily.

The ceilings on the porches, โ€œlos portales,โ€ and the ceilings in your room are also of an indigenous architectural style. The log beams are called โ€œvigasโ€ while the sticks in between the logs are called โ€œlatillasโ€. The โ€œvigasโ€ are ponderosa pine which can be found north of here in the Fort Davis Mountains. The โ€œlatillasโ€ are made from the flower stalk of a local plant called sotol. All the sotol latillas, some 35,000, were collected from a ranch south of here near the entrance to Big Bend Park. Historically a layer of river cane would have laid over the latillas and then plastered with mud to provide a primitive roof system.

The brick on the porches, clay floor tiles and painted bathroom tiles are all from Mexico. The manufacturing processes have changed little from the way they were first made. The clay floor tiles are called โ€œSaltilloโ€ tiles and come from Saltillo, Mexico. The tiles are formed and laid out to dry in the sun before being fired in kilns. You may note that some of the locals dogs were out for their evening stroll before the tiles were quite dry enough. The bathroom tiles are called โ€œTalaveraโ€ tile, and along with the sinks are hand made and painted in Dolores Hidalgo in Mexico.

 

After napsโ€”who wouldnโ€™tโ€”we changed and made our way to Cafe Cenizo for dinner: โ€œcreative regional cuisine with influences from Mexicoโ€™s interior, and West Texas cowboy flair.โ€ Chilled by the surprisingly crisp night air, we welcomed the warmth of this gourmet oasis, and were thankful for the fire crackling happily beside our table.

Our newly discovered favorite, Yellow Tail Shiraz, was our wine of choice, and we dined on melt-in-your mouth beef tenderloin, bold T-bone, and perfect rib-eye , each accompanied by salad, vegetables, and luscious horseradish mashed potatoes. For dessert, peach cobbler, blackberry cobbler and a Frangelica for my sister.

Dinner at Cafe Cenizo

 

Warmed by dinner, a guilty pleasure here in this remote desert townโ€”we headed back to the room…

Quiet.

A quiet I have never heard before. It was…liberating.

No traffic. No hum of electricity. No people moving about.

Quiet.

Not cricket or bird or bug.

Standing alone outside The Gage, I looked up and saw the clearest, darkest sky sparkling with starsโ€”Orion, the Big Dipper, the Milky Way and thousands and thousands I have never seen before.

A slow, steady whoooshโ€”like wind approaching across a marshโ€”a lone car approached, then faded off into the night beyond.

Quiet, once again.

Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.
Categories
Creativity Travel

Road Trip Big Bend: Marathon, Texas

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

 

FRIDAY

Seven hours along Interstate 10 led us to Fort Stockton, the northern most point of our journey. Here, we stopped for lunch next to the famed Pisano Pete roadrunner statue, then made our way to Route 385 south to Big Bend National Park and Marathon, Texas.

Jen with Pisano Pete, Fort Stockton

Our trip to Marathon led us closer and closer to Big Bend country with high, looming mesas and arid deserts as far as you could see. Wire fences noted ranches and homes along the road.

Signs of approaching Marathon encouraged familiar images: shops, restaurants, people bustling about for last minute holiday gifts. Instead, we crested a small hill and looked down into townโ€”a two block expanse with a gas station, two gift shops, a bank, coffee shop and The Gage Hotel.

It is difficult to describe exactly how foreign this place is. My hometown of Branford is a growing town of 29,000; Austin explodes at 500,000โ€”nearly 18 times as large as Branford. By comparison, the towns we visit on this trip count populations like 7,800 (Fort Stockton), 455 (Marathon), and 250 (Terlingua or Study Butte).

Highway 385 to marathon

The far western end, or Trans-Pecos region, of Texas is the stateโ€™s most mythic. Even though few Texans live there, and fewer really know what the place is like, Hollywood has so often used the region as a Texas backdrop that to most, the Trans-Pecos is Texas. And while the dry desert region is a far cry from the more densely populated areas most Texans inhabit, it does symbolize for many Texans the wide-open, rough-and-ready quality they attribute to their state.

The region is some 30,000 miles quare, about the size of South Carolina or about three times the size of New Hampshire. Yet excluding its only cityโ€”EI Paso, which sits on its western edgeโ€”less than 60,000 people inhabit the place. While measuring the American West, the U.S. Census Bureau determined that an area was โ€œsettledโ€ when its population density exceeded six persons per square mile. By those terms, the Trans-Pecos is still frontier. Four of its nine countiesโ€”Hudspeth, Culberson, Jeff Davis, and Terrellโ€”have more square miles than people. The area seems a great empty space, an expanse of caliche and rock surrounded by dry mountains.

Even the regionโ€™s name speaks for that: โ€œTrans-Pecosโ€ might refer to the region lying on either the eastern or western side of the Pecos River, depending on the namerโ€™s point of view. Trans-Pecos defines the area on the western sideโ€”because there are too few people on that side to name anything.

The Trans-Pecos is as isolated as any area in the United States. Residents of Presidio for exampleโ€”reputed to be the nationโ€™s hottest spot, with summer temperatures often reaching 110 degreesโ€”must drive five hours to the nearest commercial airport at Midland-Odessa. Their daily bread comes from EI Paso, another five hours away. People who live in this town of 3,000 drive 90 miles to pick up a pizza, 60 miles to playa round of golf, and 230 miles to attend a district football game. The leading daily in Presidio is the San Angelo Standard- Times, whose Sunday edition doesnโ€™t reach town until Monday, when the mail arrives.

People who live in tiny Redford, 40 miles downriver, must drive into Presidio or 34 miles into Lajitas over a rough, winding road, to buy a pair of shoes. The drive over Texas Farm-to-Market Road 170 (El Camino Del Rio), from Presidio to Lajitas through Redford, is one of the prettier ones in the state. The pavement snakes, climbs, and dives. On one side, red rocky canyon walls; on the other fall steep banks down to the Rio Grande. On this road, and on other in the Trans-Pecos, isolation has its virtues, but can be downright frightening, too. Three Trans-Pecos counties have no doctors, and even emergency crews canโ€™t reach Redford in less than a half-hourโ€™s time.

Compass American Guides: Texas

Can you imagine a town with only 250 people? Thatโ€™s just 10% more than my high school graduating class!

One wonders if the urban sprawl so familiar in places like Austin and Branford will ever find its way here. McDonaldโ€™s and Targets and Taco Bell and Home Depot. And then one whispers, โ€œI pray not!,โ€ hoping the great and greedy commercial gods did not hear the idea!

Entering Marathon, TX
No looking backโ€ฆ
Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Travel Creativity

Road Trip Big Bend: Austin to Marathon

Iโ€™m reposting this series of blog posts because as I type, there are bulldozers in Big Bend National Park. There are scared, evil people building walls on sacred desert ground, while the wicked ones paint golden calves to worship. This series represents the collective experiences and thoughts of three women who set out on a 1,500 mile trek across West Texas in December 2003. Development, tourism, climate change and politics have altered the area a lot since then, but this was their unforgettable โ€œRoad Trip: Big Bend.โ€

 

FRIDAY

We began before Friday even showed itselfโ€”the three of us packed into our rented Chevy Suburban.

โ€œNot an SUV,โ€ said my sister, with not so subtle anti-establishment undertones. In the end, I think she was most grateful for the space, as it afforded her room to nest and knit, watch and relax…finally.

For all of us, this trip was about relaxingโ€”stoppingโ€”more than anything else. My sister, in her second year of grad school, had not lifted her head from a book in more than a year. DeLinda had been juggling multiple work responsibilities, a new house, and family concerns. And I had been at the computer in a six month marathon of just too much work.

And so we chose to stop…pile weary bones and brains into our mighty SUV and travel nearly 600 miles across West Texas to see Big Bend National Park. Our โ€œRoad Trip Big Bend.โ€

In honor of our adventure, DeLinda gifted us with t-shirts she had made, imprinted with our โ€œRoad Trip Big Bendโ€ logo. I brought red bandannas for each of us. And so adorned we left Austin on that first day just past seven.

You could hear the weariness in our silence. Imagine three woman about to embark on a four-day road trip with barely a word spoke between them. Imagine!

Instead, my sister knitted meditatively in the back seat. DeLinda comfortably assumed the role of driver as I sat mesmerized by the endless horizons of Texas countrysideโ€”low scrub trees and prickly pear cactus dotting endless miles of ranch, farm land and highway.

The back seat was stocked with our food for the trip: fruits and cheese, crackers, sandwich fixinsโ€™, goldfish crackers, bagels, breakfast bars, and a box of Christmas cookies DeLinda brought from a cookie swap earlier in the week. Our supply of beef jerky never dwindled, as we stocked up regularly. While our visit to Whittingtonโ€™s in Johnson Cityโ€”the absolute best place for beef jerkyโ€”was an hour too early, we managed quite well on varieties sampled at every stop along the way. To be honest, I donโ€™t ever recall walking into a convenience store with the sole mission of finding beef jerky, but such was the case. Beef jerky for breakfast? Yes, delightfully, every day.

Along the way, we passed giant wind farms. Resourceful ranchers and oilmen have assumed stewardship of the wind, harnessing its power via these great windmills. They appear to grow from tops of mesas and up from the fieldsโ€”like a science-fiction landscape, eerie and mysterious.

Three windmills stood on high looking quite biblical. It would not be the first of such referencesโ€”even our excursion into the desert, itself, seemed symbolic. With a foreign dryness that left both mouth and skin parched, we were lucky that our stay in the desert was a mere four days, not 40!

Windmills on Interstate 10

โ€œMarathon is the gateway to the northern entrance of Big Bend National Park, via Highway 385. This route from Ft. Stockton south through Marathon and on to its end at Persimmon Gap roughly follows that of the great Comanche War Trail. About five miles south of [Marathon] lies the site of old Ft. Pena Colorado. In 1879 the fort was established to stave off Comanche and Apache raidsโ€ฆ. In 1881, the Southern Pacific railroad arrived.

Marathon is nestled in the heart of the grassy rangelands of the Marathon Basin. It is cattle country and it is on the railroad linesโ€ฆ.One notable cattle baron was Alfred Gage, the owner of 600 sections (384,000 acres) of grazing lands. In 1927, the Gage Hotel was built to serve as his headquarters. Another cattle magnate, Captain Albion Shepard, named the community Marathon because it reminded him of the lands around Marathon, Greece.โ€

Big Bend Area Travel Guide

Road Trip: Big Bend narrative & photos ยฉ2020, Jen Payne.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Devil-May-Care

The sex
at roadside motels
is shameless
and unapologetic

perfumed with
intentions,
bared
of pretense,

tourist-attraction
cheap and
coin-operated
by the hour
or the night,

a heady concoction
of neon and mirrors
and sheets worn thin

roar of an engine

ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  hum of diesel

ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  exhale of air brakes




Your donations support our
ongoing creative efforts. Thank you!

Photo by Athena Sandrini. Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Book Review

Iโ€™d forgive the poet
her 15 words requiring definition
right on the first page
and might even humor
her pretention
if it werenโ€™t near midnight
lights dimmed,
phone charging downstairs,
the hardbound dictionary
shelved nearby,
and I, up here,
the comfort of
pillows and sheets
and a blanket
to weigh down anxiety
that swells in my chest
from the strenuous reading
required by this book,
a soothing mantra
to remind myself
about cups of tea
and imposters
who might invade
what had otherwise been
such a nice day;
if I owned the book,
I would toss it across the room
with take that satisfaction,
instead I march it downstairs
put it in the pile of books
Iโ€™ll return to the library,
feel somewhat appeased,
try not to remember the
rogue poets who argued for
ululate and lacuna
in my own poems
with such insistence
I erased the lines all-together,
life is hard enough these days
to suffer the conceit of others.


Your donations support our
ongoing creative efforts. Thank you!

Photo by Beyzaa Yurtkuran. Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity

Now on Sale! MANIFEST (zine): Addendum

Issue #19, Addendum

When you get time to say moreโ€ฆADDENDUM is a companion piece to the book Sleeping with Ghosts: Poems & Musings and a postscript to the chapter Wednesdays. Think Dan Fogelberg at the grocery store on Christmas Eve or James Blunt on a subway platform in London. Includes 10 new poems by Jen Payne and a haunting collection of color photographs and paintings.

24-page, Full Color 5.5 x 8.5 booklet. Cost: $8.00.

This issue has been printed and mailed thanks to the generous support of readers. I’m hoping to continue publishing MANIFEST (zine) through 2026, but could use your help. Please click here for more information.


You can pay through PayPal using a PayPal account or any standard credit card. If you prefer the old school approach, please send your check, made payable to Jen Payne, P.O. Box 453, Branford, CT 06405.


Categories
Creativity Poetry

Proverbial Eggshells


Iโ€™m peeling hard boiled eggs at the sink,
my soft round belly pressed against the cool steel
cold water splashing over fingers
when I remember that noise he used to make

that noise that said I was using too much water

or talking too loudly

that I had applied too much perfume
used too much lip gloss

that there was too much food on my plate
that Iโ€™d gained too much weight

that I took too long to find pleasure in things
he was already, past tense, done with

it was a noise, a grimace, a groan of
displeasure, distaste, distain

that seeps, sometimes, from a faucet
running hard and with great abandon,
cascades through my fingers
down the drain with dregs

those chips
and flecks

of a something

thankfully


passed


Your donations support our
ongoing creative efforts. Thank you!

Photo by Klaus Nielsen. Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

This is My Dance Space

The space isnโ€™t that big, really. Large enough for me and the cat and sometimes a guest. A human guest, that is. We have others who donโ€™t take up much room and are more like residents or seasonal visitors.

Just the other night, I watched a spider arrive and make his way, quite confidently, past the television, around the reading lamp, and up the stairs. He was sleeping in my bed when I found him later โ€” the three of us startled at once.

He is not the first spider, nor the last. We have kitchen ones and cellar ones and the orb weaver who cured me of the phobia many years ago now.

I remember once, a small wren spent an afternoon on the screen porch the summer the hornets lived here; and thereโ€™s a family of mice who visit each winter, scurrying about in the space above my bed.

We make accommodations as we can, the all of us, with the accepted guidelines that This is my dance space and that is your dance space. The mouse in the kitchen was promptly directed outside. That spider in my bed? Eaten by the cat.

Weโ€™re all sharing this small space, itโ€™s best to have manners and compassionโ€ฆand ground rules.


Musing ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Happy Ant: A Haiku

The happy ant found

in a puddle of syrup

sweet relief of death


Photo by Eva Bronzini. Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity

Sometimes the Creativity is in the Rest

We all have those momentsโ€ฆa health crisis, a family situation, or an unexpected turn of events that sends us swiftly to the sidelines. And we wait there until weโ€™re ready to get back in the game, until we feel steady and strong enough to step into the routine again.

As many of you know, I had knee replacement surgery last fall. And while my recovery is moving along nicely, one of the unexpected side effects has been a lack of creative output and projects.

When I get frustrated by that, I am reminded of my friend Judithโ€™s advice last summer โ€” that the recovery is the project. That sometimes, those life moments mean that everything else, including our creative pursuits, might need to take a back seat to the larger task at hand.

But, as photographer Joshua Kissi noted: โ€œsometimes the creativity is in the rest.โ€ And it turns out Creative Rest is a thing!

In her book Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity, Saundra Dalton-Smith identifies seven types of rest: physical, mental, emotional, social, sensory, spiritual, and creative.

โ€œCreative Rest,โ€ she explains, โ€œis allowing white space in your life and giving room for your creativity to show up. Creative Rest lets you focus on your basic need for wonder.โ€ It โ€œinvolves giving your mind a deliberate break to allow your creativity to regenerate.โ€

While Dalton-Smithโ€™s ideas for Creative Rest do not include knee surgery, she does suggest things like enjoying coffee in a new location, spending time in a museum, or people-watching in a park โ€” places where you can let โ€œyour mind wander off-leash for a while.โ€

Creative Rest is a place of๏ปฟ
๏ปฟwondering, wandering, and waiting.

Which reminds me of a poem I wrote several years ago while waiting for a friend to arrive at the train station. Called โ€œPlaces of Waitingโ€ (see below), it talks about the fertility of waiting, the possibility contained in nothingness, and the expansive nature of these life pauses.

Summer is filled with opportunities for pauses, like a moment in the garden or a walk along the beach. Remember to allow time for waiting โ€” and rest โ€” in between all the busy-ness.

Happy Summer!

Love, Jen


Places of Waiting

I love these places of waiting
this quiet axis of the world
a point around which things spin
he on his way there
and she on hers there
they, together, embrace and part
or run, race, return
and I, here, silent
silent and of no consequence
to their what-comes-next
nor to my own, really
I am here-and-now,
a great pause
a smudge of time
a nothingness
into which pours everything
peace, poetry, god


EXPLORATIONS

One of my favorite things about putting together Creatively Speaking is the wandering exploration of topics and things to share with you, likeโ€ฆ

Joshua Kissi, who insists on โ€œtelling stories by any medium necessary.โ€ Kissi is a Ghanaian-American creative entrepreneur specializing in photography and filmmaking, based in New York City. To see his work, visit www.joshuakissi.com.

Questlove is a culinary entrepreneur, a New York Times best-selling author, and a musician, who you might know from the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Heโ€™s the author of the book Creative Quest โ€” โ€œa must-read guide for all creativesโ€ โ€” which I just borrowed from my local library. For more, visit questlove.com.

Digging deeper into the concept of creative resets, I discovered Sacred Rest, the Saundra Dalton-Smith book I mentioned above. She is a physician, a work-life integration researcher, and the founder of Restorasis, a professional development agency dedicated to restoring well-being in the workplace. In addition to the book, you can sign up for a free Sacred Rest Challenge with daily prompts and suggestions for finding rest.

โ€ข Sacred Rest Challenge

I love the painting at the beginning of this issue of Creative Speaking: The Moonlight Bed, by Jacek Yerka. Yerka is a surrealist painter from Poland. His work, which you can see on his website yerkaland.com, is other-worldly.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Magic Just the Same

The robin ahead on the trail
dappled in sunlight
looks to me like a gnome,
and I pause,
remembering
the time a gnome
came to me in a tent
while my family slept,
and I want to believe
for just a moment
that somewhere
in this wicked world
thereโ€™s still magic like that โ€”
still gnomes
and fairies,
still hope
and things we can believe in โ€”
then just like that,
the robin flies off
deep into the woods
of this last protected space,
and I think
itโ€™s magic just the same.


Photo by Matteo Badini. Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

The Robinโ€™s Nest

At night,
while we dream
I climb up and into
the flowering tree
to tuck in the fledglings
before they tumble,
sing soft lullabies
while the Mom sleeps,
caution them
stay east of the hedge
and if they must
fly high and up
no matter the bee-line
temptations,
watch the rain
and the wind
and the random cat
and I, my darlings,
will watch you
like a prayer.


Photo by Matteo Badini. Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

From the Commuter Train Window, 2026


Someoneโ€™s pitched a tent
in the cemetery

a silent living,
I suppose,

except the train
that runs
the end points
of the line between

and silence
oh silence
is a 5-star amenity
in wicked days

when moss pillows
and rainwater cocktails
harken to simpler times

Indian-style on granite
housekeeping
under honeysuckle boughs

full of hope and envy
for a grown-up life
from which weโ€™ll run,
someday

make camp with ghosts
who offer quiet comfort
and sometimes,
on special days,
flowers


Photo by Matteo Badini. Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Lincoln, NH (May 2026)

Tonight, by the quarter moon,
I will visit the Pemigewasset
lie down my tired bones
let notch waters churn
run the course of my body
pin me to the smooth roundness
upon which I rest
until neither of us notice
the strangerโ€™s stillness
how all that seemed out of place
once was, once wanted
is no longer anything
but this river flowing.


Poem & Photo ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

If you decideโ€ฆ

The hitchhiker
heading south on 3
towards Woodstock
represents, to my mind now,
a sort of Choose Your Own Adventure

If you decide to keep driving, turn to page six
If you decide to pick him up, turn to page nine

If you decide to keep drivingโ€ฆThe End or maybe
If you decide to pick him upโ€ฆThe End

If you decide to throw caution to the wind, page nine
If you decide to roll the dice, let fate do the work, let freakinโ€™ Jesus take the wheel

go to page nine

If you roll down the window
If you ask him: Where are you going?
If you let him inโ€ฆ

If he smiles angelically
If he pulls out a gun
If he asks where youโ€™re going
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  Where the fuck are you going?

go to page nine

At least you get to see what comes next
you will know where you are going

page nine
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  or page six

Does it matter anymore?

If you keep driving
If you get in an accident
If you stop for lunch
If you pick him up

If it turns out he knew your high school boyfriend in a past life*
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  *true story

If you run over him
If you drive off a bridge
If you kill him
If he kills you
If you fall in love
If you write a poemโ€ฆ

If you decide to keep driving, turn to page six
If you decide to pick him up, turn to page nine


Click here for more about the Choose Your Own Adventure books. Photo & Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

In Vain

The moon said Get Up!
And while the cat
and cardinal
insisted I had some purpose
for the day,
I was not convinced.

I AM not convinced.

This slow and useless
plodding on floorboards
that hold now nearly
30 years of footsteps
seems circuitous.

I can, of course,
enumerate โ€”
if you were to ask โ€”
point out the notches
and plaques,
consider the possible
one heart, one life, one pain
but those are slow to come
at 4 when the soft known comfort
of sheets and dreams
seems the best I can hope for
these days, when even footsteps
have become formidable.


Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. NaPoWriMo, National Poetry Writing Month. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

April Fool

I wake up with a start
realize that I am, myself,
the April fool
still thinking I have control
(or hope)
of making it out alive
all these years
swimming against a tide
tilting at windmills
chasing wild geese
pushing boulders up hills
when in reality
I am just the monster
at the end of the book
silly old
silly, old me


Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. NaPoWriMo, National Poetry Writing Month. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

To Get to the Other Side

One coyote howl
wakes us at 4
and we both,
the cat and I,
move around
blankets
and curtains
hoping to see
the creature
cross the road
ask each other why?
and for what purpose?
laugh at our inside joke
before falling back into dreams
neither one of us can translate โ€”
coyotes and gunman,
snap traps and mice,
the violent world outside.


Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. NaPoWriMo, National Poetry Writing Month. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?

Iโ€™m dreaming about the man in the field
its autumn backdrop oddly out of place
with the spring cacophony
that filters through my nighttime window;
heโ€™s talking about collective trauma โ€”
the seeping-in of our wild world
on jet streams and ethernets
on brainwaves and internets โ€”
a scrolling litany of the everything
we were not built to absorb
and the everything against which
we are powerless;
a continental, monumental shift
beneath our feet
in a landslide brought me down
epic crescendo sort of way
Iโ€™m sure Stevie never imagined.


Poem ยฉ2026 Jen Payne. NaPoWriMo, National Poetry Writing Month. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now at my Etsy Shop.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

The wheel is come full circle

It is No Kings in March
and a one-man King Lear
opines from a makeshift stage
in a Union building
on the bank of a river;
he is boisterous
and profound,
a shapeshifter
come to teach us
again
about the failings
of ego and power
here in this space
that smells of
picket signs and
hard-won fights,
placards of victory
line the walls
while outside,
the wind has changed
as bodies are counted
to move the scale of battle more.


Photo: New Haven, CT, March 28, by Jen Payne. Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

The Futile Pursuit of Hope

I canโ€™t keep throwing books out
just because Iโ€™ve lost patience with words,
even the ones meant to console
my wintering spirit;
there is little consolation these days
where hope is a burden of expectations
I want to stab violently with a fork
that instead finds its way into another
slice of cake I keep hidden beneath my bed,
its sweet, sweet comfort
savored between the puzzle of dreams
that have so many layers,
and so many meanings,
one might think I was fucking Jung,
a rabid affair that keeps me trapped
in this godforsaken space
analyzing and processing
analyzing and processing
analyzing and processing
still here again alwaysโ€ฆ
a bonfire stack of books by the door
my Plan B should the promises keep failing.


Photo by Suzy Hazelwood. Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity

A Prayer of Sorts

โ€œI donโ€™t believe in much anymore,โ€ singer/songwriter Spencer LaJoye says on their website, โ€œexcept a little bit of everything. And you. And me. And that art can change the world simply by making us feel something.โ€ย 

And feel something I did, last night while watching the Stillwater, Minnesota Trinity Lutheran Church Choir, above, sing LaJoyeโ€™s song Plowshare Prayer.

Fair warning, it might โ€œbreak you openโ€ as LaJoye writes. And maybe thatโ€™s just what we need?


Dear blessed creator, dear mother, dear savior
Dear father, dear brother, dear holy other
Dear sibling, dear baby, dear patiently waiting
Dear sad and confused, dear stuck and abused

[Verse 2]
Dear end of your rope, dear worn out and broke
DearโŸgoโŸitโŸalone, dear runningโŸfrom home
Dear righteouslyโŸangry, forsaken by family
Dear jaded and quiet, dear tough and defiant

[Chorus]
I pray that Iโ€™m heard
And I pray that this works
I pray if a prayer has been used as a sword
Against you and your heart
Against you and your word
I pray that this prayะตr is a plowshare of sorts

[Bridge]
That it might break you open
It might hะตlp you grow
I pray that your body gets all that it needs
And if you donโ€™t want healing
I just pray for peace
I pray that your burden gets lighter each day
I pray the mean voice in your head goes away
I pray that you honor the grief as it comes
I pray you can feel all the life in your lungs
I pray that if you go all day being brave
That you can go home, go to bed
Feeling safe
I pray youโ€™re forgiven. I pray you forgive
I pray you set boundaries and openly live
I pray that you feel you are worth never leaving
I pray that you know I will always believe you

[Chorus]
I pray that youโ€™re heard
And I pray that this works

[Verse 3]
Amen on behalf of the last and the least
On behalf of the anxious, depressed and unseen
Amen for the workers, the hungry, the houseless
Amen for the lonely and recently spouseless

[Verse 4]
Amen for the queers and their closeted peers
Amen for the bullied who hold in their tears
Amen for the mothers of little black sons
Amen for the kids who grow up scared of guns

[Verse 5]
Amen for the addicts, ashamed and hungover
Amen for the calloused, the wisened, the sober
Amen for ones who want life to be over
Amen for the leaders who lose their composure

[Verse 6]
And amen for the parents who just lost their baby
Amen for chronically ill and disabled
Amen for the children down at the border
Amen for the victims of our law and order

[Chorus]
I pray that youโ€™re heard
And I pray that this works
I pray if a prayer has been used as a sword
Against you and your heart
Against you and your word
I pray that this prayer is a plowshare of sorts


Spencer LaJoye is a singer/songwriter from the Midwest who makes charming and emotional folk music. Visit their website to learn more about their bio, tour, music, videos, press, and how to support them on Patreon.

Words and Music by Spencer LaJoye. Choral Arrangement – Phil Kadidlo. Soloist – Robin Cain. Trinity Choir – Trinity Lutheran Church, Stillwater, MN. Piano – Phil Kadidlo. Conductor – Clark Weyrauch.

Image by Griffstick, Deviant Art. https://www.deviantart.com/griffstick

Categories
Creativity

Random Acts of Writing Turns 16

Today marks the 16-year anniversary of Random Acts of Writing!

You may have noticed itโ€™s been a little more random than usual โ€” in terms of content as well as frequency.

As a creative spirit here in the 2020s, itโ€™s hard not to be random, waxing poetic one moment and beating the drums of resistance the next.

And while I wrestle with possible reinventions and reincarnations of the sweet and ever-present landing spot of this blog, I canโ€™t help but wonder if being random โ€” bobbing and weaving with the times โ€” isnโ€™t exactly where this is supposed to be. For now.

Thank you for following along, still, after all these years, come what may.

With Love,

Jen Payne

Categories
Creativity

February Artist Date

When I was in grade school, I used to tell a silly story that went something likeโ€ฆ

Once upon a time, there was a little universe.
And in that universe, there was a little solar system.
And in that solar system, there was a little planet.
And on that planet, there was a little continent.
And on that continentโ€ฆ


The story โ€” which I could see in my mind โ€” got closer and closer, periscoping in on a little house and maybe a little family or a little girl. I donโ€™t remember the ending, if there even was one.

I found myself thinking about that as I was careening up I-95 for what creativity guru Julie Cameron might call an Artist Date.

โ€œAn artist date is a block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist. In its most primary form, the artist date is an excursion, a play date that you preplan and defend against all interlopers. You do not take anyone on this artist date but you and your inner artist, a.k.a. your creative child. That means no lovers, friends, spouses, children โ€“ no taggers-on of any stripe.โ€1

It was my first solo adventure since my knee replacement surgery four months ago, and I suspect I was breaking Artist Date rules. First of all, I was rushing to get there. It felt more like an errand run or a have-to-do than a creative outing.

Second, there were all sorts of interlopers โ€” the client with erupting mental health issues, the pedophile president, the elementary schoolgirls bombed in Iran, the words of John Lennon โ€” going round and round in my head.

Nonetheless, I kept driving, thinking about the little universe and all of its big problems on my way to the Guilford Art Center, which was hosting an exhibit called, ironically, CIRCULAR THINKING.

CIRCULAR THINKING, featuring fiber art created by the Studio Art Quilt Associates, was โ€œdesigned to explore the varieties of meanings, images, and experiences evoked by the circleโ€ฆa shape, a symbol, a concept, or a metaphor.โ€2 The exhibit had been on view since the beginning of the month, and I was happy to slip into the colorful space on its last day.

So much color that I thought, for a moment, I might escape our little world and lose my interlopers all-together.

But there was a shadow of RFK across Hope Bartonโ€™s quilt Why We Need Vaccines; Lynne Allen and Cassandra Allen mentioned Endless Conflict, and Martha Wolf asked me to read between the lines of A Newspaper to see the loss of our black and white reality.

I was buzzing. Hurried. Preoccupied. Definitely not of a โ€œdateโ€ mindset. But then a bright bold sun called out and Catherine Lavoieโ€™s piece called Shattered explainedโ€ฆ

โ€œRed slashes represent that moment when you finally admit your life is shattered and you need to make changes. The golden background fabric represents the glow of Hope that you can do this.โ€

Then Rita Hannafinโ€™s sparkling quilt reminded me that We Are Stardust, โ€œpart of the swirling, timeless energy that continues life.โ€

And slowly, slowly, slowly, I started to come back to myself. Settle in. A little.

I wandered through the rest of the gorgeous exhibit, browsed the amazing collection of gifts in The Shop โ€” oh my! โ€” then headed on to my next stop, City Gallery in New Haven.

City Gallery was hosting painter Beatriz Olson and her solo exhibit UNMUTED: THE RETURN OF COLOR, โ€œa body of work that traces her journey back to voice, embodiment, and the full spectrum of color that once lay quiet beneath the demands of culture, profession, and expectation.โ€3

Beatriz is an expressive artist, whose work โ€œinvolves holistic approaches to healing the body mind and soul distress by using color, form and lack thereof to process emotions.โ€

Serendipitously, she was gallery sitting for the afternoon, so not only did I get a personal tour of the exhibit, I had the chance to talk with Beatriz about her work and the stories behind the paintings, including The Great Mother and Courage.

(We also talked about knees โ€” sheโ€™s a doctor and her husband is an Orthopedic Surgeon โ€” and books. As a matter of fact, weโ€™re exchanging books โ€” a copy of my Sleeping with Ghosts for a copy of her Mind Body Secrets that I canโ€™t wait to read!)

Womenโ€™s Voyage to Freedom

Perhaps my favorite piece in her show was Womenโ€™s Voyage to Freedom, hanging prominently on the back wall of the gallery. Its bold colors and gold accents tell the story of women coming into their own in this world โ€” moving from what weโ€™re taught, to what we learn, to how we emerge, flourish, and create our own stories.

Noticing the little Universe in the upper corners of the painting, it felt as if the Artist Date had come full circle. And, in a way, so had I โ€” returning to the curious and mobile spirit who is more than ready to get back to living a creative life!

Detail, Womenโ€™s Voyage to Freedom

[1] Cameron, Julia. The Artistโ€™s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. United States: Penguin Publishing Group, 2002.

[2] Art Quilts Take Shape Around โ€˜Circular Thinkingโ€™ at Guilford Art Centerโ€™s Newest Gallery Exhibit
 
[3] City Gallery presents Unmuted โ€” The Return of Color: Where Color, Spirit, and the Feminine Rise
 

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Broken Record


John Lennon sang about peace
when I was only 5
but then he was shot in the back
four times, a few years later
imagine.
we all kept singing though
even after that
gave the peace sign to each other
in a wink-wink someday sort of way
like we were in on a big secret;
it was coming, any day now,
2,000 years of peacemakers
and peace preachers
had told us so
before they were killed, too,
point-blank or otherwise;
told us, told our parents,
told their parents who
kissed in the streets
when John Lennon was all but 5
imagine.
and so it goes,
peace dream
pipe dream
pish posh.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

A wisp of memory like a cloud

When the painter on stilts
calls to me from above
to talk about color and time,
I hear only the whisper
of a lover past,
blue eyes and soft curls
his warm brown skin
against mine
practicing words out loud
as we drank spiced rum
from paper cups,
pointed to constellations
laid out on the ceiling
tu nombre es mi cielo, mi amor
your name is my heaven, my love


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity

Feed the Green Dog

Jess Craven posted this on her Substack CHOP WOOD, CARRY WATER yesterday, and I wanted to share it with you. I imagine, if youโ€™re here reading this, you already know the ways you connect with your โ€œgreen dog.โ€ This is a reminder of how very important that is, now more than ever.

โ€œThereโ€™s a thing they talk about in recovery circlesโ€”I call it the parable of the red dog and the green dog*. Itโ€™s simple, and goes like this: We each have two dogs inside of us, a red one and a green one. The red dog is all of our dark impulsesโ€”self-hatred, fear, addiction, anger, isolation, etc. The [green] dog is our โ€œlightโ€ impulsesโ€”love, connection, honesty, sobriety, and the like. 

The two dogs are in constant battle. So what determines which one wins?

It comes down to which one we feed.

Our country is having its own red dog and green dog moment. We have a red dog that is fear, exploitation, greed, racism, hate, dictatorship. We have a green dog that is love, justice, tolerance, empathy, community, democracy. Both dogs are extremely powerful. They have battled for the duration of our countryโ€™s existence. That battle has now grown internecineโ€”perhaps it always was.

So which dog will win? 

Again, the one we feed.

Thatโ€™s why I look at this work not so much as fighting the โ€œbad guysโ€ as helping the good ones. I try not to fight the red dog. Because doing so, in many ways, helps it, not me. 

Instead I just feed the green one. Because doing so helps it and me.

Thatโ€™s what our actions here are about. Feeding the proverbial green dog. Itโ€™s how we sustain this work, but itโ€™s also how we win. And, ironically, how we care for ourselves!

So when things get overwhelming, when it seems impossible to track the plethora of evils we face, when hate seems to have taken a million forms, I quiet my mind and focus my purpose by remembering โ€œthatโ€™s the red dog. What can I do for the green one?โ€

Friends, the green dog is better fed than ever these days. It is thriving. So instead of worrying about every instance of evil coming out of this administration, letโ€™s channel our righteous energies towards growing love. Growing justice. Growing tolerance. Growing empathy. Growing community. Growing democracy. There are literally countless ways we can do these things. All of us can find a few that work for us.

And thatโ€™s a great thing. Because the more these things grow, the more our opponents will wither, falter, and fail.

It may seem counterintuitive, but this approach worksโ€”I have lived experience to prove it, and Iโ€™m not alone. Best of all, it strengthens us. Because it turns out feeding the green dog also feeds us.โ€

So tell me, how are you feeding the green dog today? Comment below.


ARTWORK: Keith Haring Pop Shop Dogs

*I only found references to a Red Dog/Blue Dog recovery technique, and someone in Jessโ€™ comments mentioned that this approach is originally a native Cherokee parable about two wolves (see more). Either way, you get the point. I hope.

Please follow and support Jessโ€™ CHOP WOOD, CARRY WATER. She is a beacon of light and action in this dark world. Click here.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Visitation

He, a scarlet punctuation

of familiar exclamation,

needs no formal invitation

for our daily conversation,

though my bowed supplication

to his regal aviations

notes our shared infatuation

that needs no exact translation,

itโ€™s poetic observation

in his wingbeat dedications

and my heartbeat palpitations

for this sacred of relations;

some days: my lone salvation.


Photo and Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

The Evolution of Vice


I canโ€™t seem to get my coffee right
itโ€™s too strong or too weak
burnt because I forget
half-brewed because Iโ€™m impatient
and none of it tastes as good
as a hot cup on a cold morning
when I was young and hopeful โ€”
romantic even;
somehow everything now
in this wicked, hobbled world
is just not right,
and I wonder if whiskey
might better suit the mood,
neat with a long, hard drag
off a Marlboro
might at least allow an exhale
now and then.


Photo by Marek Piwnicki. Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Rusty Poet with a New Knee


wondering
if the surgeon
replaced
the poem lobe
with mechanical parts
as well
the kind that seize up in cold
work or donโ€™t work
at a whim
inflame from lack of use
or too much use
or just so much use that
whatever โ€” ow!
it seems the poemflow
is missing its synovial fluid
like my knee
that I must pump back and forth
swinging (without the whee!)
until it decides to perform;
perhaps I must swing my head
shake it no
nod it yes
agree to some higher power
to let the poem in
YES. NOW. PLEASE.
Itโ€™s been sitting there
for a week
waiting to move
waiting to become
waiting to transform
waiting
like me
waiting


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity

I Stand with Minnesota

Please watch.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

In the Library of Dreams


For Gordy

In the Library of Dreams
a Poet stood
at the front of a room
lit only by amber candles
dressed in velvet robes
and a crown of laurel
befitting the most
seasoned bards,
a hint of a smile
lifted on his face
familiar
as he pulled from his pocket
a round red ruby
and a sparkling white crystal
explained to all of us
about life and death
the immortality of words
tells us we are given crystals
two apiece at birth
red like an apple
for life and living
white for the wisdom of sages
like himself
a wizard of words
enchanter of stories
sorcerer of time.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Pointlessness


The warmed blanket
offers as much comfort
as the ghost
who held me in dreams
said all the right things
too late to even consider
a new lease
fucking clichรฉ
at this age
find myself wishing
I were the type
to waste away in bed
where dreams
at least offer promise.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity

New Issue! MANIFEST (zine): Pandemic Purchases

Issue #18, Pandemic Purchases

Having heard the phrase โ€œpandemic purchaseโ€ three separate times recently, I was inspired to create an issue of MANIFEST (zine) about just that โ€” those random, weird, or wild items we purchased during the pandemic, remember? ย I hope you enjoy this eclectic assortment of Pandemic Purchases as shared by some of our regular readers and subscribers in issue #18. Guest contributors include Lara Alves, Ken Bausert, Anne Coffey, Ted Ficklen, Allison Maltese, Silvery Nyx, Mary Oโ€™Connor, Sally Rieger, and Nina Zina.

12-page, Full Color 5×7 booklet. Cost: $8.00.

This issue has been printed and mailed thanks to the generous support of readers. I’m hoping to continue publishing MANIFEST (zine) through 2026, but could use your help. Please click here for more information.


You can pay through PayPal using a PayPal account or any standard credit card. If you prefer the old school approach, please send your check, made payable to Jen Payne, P.O. Box 453, Branford, CT 06405.


Categories
Creativity Poetry

December Waking

This morning I awoke
long before dawn
to silence

silence

no carโ€™s labored approach
no wind for trees
no waves or buoyed bells
no dull urban hum

it was a silence so soft
so weighted
as if the world had died

as if I had died

both within the bounds
of possible
on this burning year:
supermoon rising
a cometโ€™s approach
devils circling

so I stayed a while
let winter
have her way
with bones
and wrapped myself
in quiet nothing

nothing


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. Photo of December sky from NASA, by Preston Dyches. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Weighing Magnitudes

The earthquake of a man
who altered
the course of my life
three seismic times
was nearly killed
several arrhythmic times
just last week

and I want to tell you
I felt the aftershocks

I want to tell you I knew

woke with a start

felt his fault line shift

I want to tell you
I felt something

so Iโ€™m standing here
bare feet on the ground
waiting to be moved.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

In Which the Poet Considers Her Way Forward

As one ghost lies dying
from heart ache,
another suffers tragic loss,
and a third fades quietly
into the ether,
she is reminded that
always,
in the epic final battle,
everything resurfaces:
there are fires burning,
smoldering moments of despair,
a defeated arch nemesis,
a warrior waning and

AND

a heroine โ€” walking wounded โ€”
considering the sunrise
its event horizon
the point of no return
from all of this
and all of them
these lost souls
her poetic impetus

what will become of her now?


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

She Was Broken

By the time I can walk
freely to the backyard again,
my summer friends have flown,
their brightness replaced
by soft subtle grays,
and I canโ€™t help but wonder
about the cardinal,
her wing askew,
who spent the season
managing her brokeness
as deftly as I navigated
my own;
she moved about
as best as she could,
stayed strong;
found her stride
and her song.
I miss her now,
these cold mornings
more quiet
without our shared infirmary,
and I imagine her
somewhere safe,
like myself,
moving without limit.


*As if on cue, I saw my cardinal friend in the backyard just this morning, the first time in a month!


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Fall Afternoon in the Yard with a New Knee

Do the birds know
I am not myself
moving gently towards them
seeds in one pocket
water in the other
barefoot in the cool, damp grass
tticking to call the cardinals
tticking to say I have not forgotten you
I have been here all along
just moving more slowly
finding my way to solid ground
done with the flitterings of grief
and old limitations โ€”
so what of loss?
these leaves had to fall
it is the natural order
churning and churning
everything changing
the leaves, the river,
and time tticking too


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Poet AWOL

The 8″ battle scar
explains the retreat
in glorious, punctuated detail
so no apologies
or all apologies
for having been
absent from duty
absent from craft
absent from self
our tactical strategy
required split-second timing
a vanguard deployment
of the strongest self
armed and ready
for the battle
of chemical warfare
and severed skin,
of breaking bones
and hammered metals;
while the correspondent self
held the flank,
taking cryptic notes
to send by wire later,
when the haze cleared.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Strange Thing, This Inspiration

a poem inspired by Stranger Things, post-op drugs, and him again

The meditation takes me
to the Upside Down โ€”
a crossover of dreams
and Spielberg memories,
where muses suddenly appear
with the Next Great Idea!
on a dark plane of black water,
the beaming light of
What Comes After This;
but he is there, too,
and I say the goodbye
I never get to say
except in dreams
and poems I want to fold up
and leave in secret places,
like the Upside Down,
where maybe he
travels sometimes,
this kindred spirit
who is so familiar
I am always certain
we have crossed paths
in some other lifeโ€ฆ
or is that just this
rich, deep darkness
of conjuring?
the magic of a poet
turning things over
to see what might be, maybe,
substance for another poem?


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Superwoman Post-Op, 3:30 a.m.


I am holding up the world, still

from a hospital bed

with tubes connected to a wall

I cannot move.

Even here,

the hard work of caretaking

caretakers and my self

all the while admiring

the strong muscles

I have sculpted to do this job,

wondering if I might find

a softer way.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Songbird Dreams

A bird in the privet
suddenly sings
and without evidence of prey
I can only surmise
that she is dreaming.
Itโ€™s a morning for dreaming,
crisp-cold and clear,
the moon and Jupiter still dance
while constellations shimmer
to the rhythm
and she is singing in her sleep,
a sweet but startled sound
as if she feels our spinning,
senses the sunโ€™s fast approach
wishes for one more hour
of peace before the day begins.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. Photo by Min An. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Read Me (Dream #100825)

Itโ€™s 9 oโ€™clock my time
barely three for you
but itโ€™s no matter
weโ€™re decades apart โ€”
not hours โ€”
only ghosts
here in the library
where I race to find
the book
I need you to read
before the alarm goes off
and I wake to the day
where itโ€™s just a fine gold thread
that connects us now.

I pass long tall stacks
of coffee table books and
the bust of Blackstone
in the halls of recorded memory โ€”
yours and mine โ€”
and you seem not to notice
the immediacy of the moment
when I approach with insistence,
your retired posture almost welcome
were it not for the clock ticking
next to me in the bed we used to share,

but by then the words have disappeared
from the pages in your lap
and in exchange, a collage of
nonsensical images
fall to the ground at your feet
rendering me speechless
in that dreamworld way,
paralyzed by all I have left to say,
gasping for moonlit breaths.


Poem and photo ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. The bust in the photo is actually James’ son Timothy but that’s too many syllables. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Placebo

In the dark
you whisper
your worst fears
made manifest
by explosive
lights and sounds
you conjure
in the woods
outside our room,
specters stretched
tall along walls
the shadow of what comes,
but I am not afraid
of your ghosts
nor you of mine โ€”
weโ€™ve never been โ€”
it is why we
find ourselves here
again
partners in crimes
of comfort
and concoctions;
I leave my dreams
to curl into yours,
stroke the broad arm
of your embrace,
lie in the darkness
of silent
understanding,
this midnight love
come round,
the long wide bed,
moonlight and stars
our afterlife dreams.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. Photo by Victoria Strelka. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Culture Shock with a Side of Swedish Meatballs, 9/12/25*

Resisting the urge
(for the seventh or eighth time in two days)
to hoist the parking lot flag
back up to full mast
in some alter-ego
Fuck Donald Trump
ninja subterfuge,
I remind myself to
breathe in the gorgeous
late summer afternoon
there in the shadow of Ikea
โ€”ย monument of consumerism โ€”
gorgeous,
except for the Spotted Lanternfly
that crosses my path
begging me to squash its
red polka-dotted guts out;
more death on these days
of infinite death
I cannot bear;
it might be feast for the songbird
trapped in the cafeteria
throwing itself
again and again and again
against
the ceiling-high windows,
their pretense of sky;
it does not stop seeking
what it remembers, the poor thing,
but is that Futility or Hope
I wonder
as I read signs about
food waste and recycling,
the 3,920 solar panels on the roof
above my head,
feast on Swedish meatballs
covered in slick red jam.


*Flags ordered half mast to โ€œhonorโ€ the death of white supremacist celebrity. Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Pandoraโ€™s Consort

You are legend
suddenly made flesh
but no comparison
to the mythology
I have constructed for you.
its scaffolding
felled akimbo
by your presence,
poetry strewn
in incomplete sentences
across the timeline;
mere mortals are not made for this;
we fail by our very nature,
destroy the sacred altars of memory,
light fires to its sweetness,
and burn down walls of forgetfulness;
best put you back in the box,
close the lid tightly
before even Hope escapes
the happy ending
I wrote on our behalf


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. Image: Pandora, Frank Mason, 1955. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Dreamcatcher

Maybe it was the full moon
or just the occurrence
of these days of ending
things crashing around us
the long slow molting
I want you to know
I tell him
in case I dieโ€ฆ
but I am no longer sure
if that was real
or something I said to a ghost

They all come to visit lately
by happenstance
or dream
by the cosmic dust
that connects all of us
or through airwaves
as cluttered as our
atmosphere

Last night
I walked with one โ€”
a ghost โ€”
along a woods road
up into a wide field
of apple trees
and goldenrod
laughing
like old friends

And it was so good
to see him again
that I burrowed back
into sleep
in case he was still there
waiting

Sometimes
when they hover like this
converge in dream spaces
whisper in dark corners
I think
I must be dying
And this is our
mea culpa
our chance to set things right
finally or again

I have no regrets


Photo & Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Over-Edited

I never could
see it in myself,
that origami fold
of accommodation,
beautiful in its grace
and considerations,
but the creases
wear thin after a while;

I see it in her,
this kindred spirit
across from me;
offer silent permission
with a glance
and watch as she unfolds
just a little,
reconfigures her angles
to her own liking,
sets things right,
sets things free.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. Photo by Miguel ร. Padriรฑรกn. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

In This, The World

Two sparrows
on the center line
one insistent,
one in crisis.
I turn around
to offer assistance
knowing it is already too late.

This world is cruel and merciless.

One has left, one remains
staring at the sky;
I lift her with words
used for loved ones,
feel her spirit leave
as I lie her in the grass.

A million heartbreaks
in her final wingbeats,
a million tears
I donโ€™t dare shed.

This world is cruel and merciless.


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. Photo by Adam Jackson. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Dream, Driving, Rain #05-081725

I stayed too long in dreams
so much the day seems flat
and one dimension;
in my mind, the sander
still polishes the leg
of the man who said
โ€œthe body always feels painโ€
as sawdust coats my throat
too much for words;
a crystal-blue rain falls
with wicked gold lightening
against the wide horizon
somewhere along I-90 in South Dakota,
an angel floating in the back seat
laughs at what we forgot to say,
urges me to Drive! Drive! Drive!
as if I am escaping something;
all the while my mind ticks,
like a clock pacing time,
thinking how to slip you a note
handwritten that says 808.81
and nothing more,
youโ€™re the Sherlock Holmes,
you figure it out;
all these years,
the conversations in my head
and you, deaf and blind or
just resigned to dreams
like me, this morning,
wasting days away
before the knives cut out pieces of me
again, remember?
Like the last time you were here,
the both of us relieved to hear
โ€œshe made it.โ€


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. Photo from Pexels. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Running into Ghosts

The friend who found me
after I lost you
died
and so I lost her, too

thereโ€™s a long list of others
lost for various reasons
since then

by default
by accident
by misfortune or miscalculation
or by the eventuality that all things change and nothing is certain

certainly not love
Iโ€™ve lost that, too,
too many times

so many times
Iโ€™ve stopped counting
one, two, threeโ€ฆ
out loud anyway

do you ever wonder why we find them again?
in hallways of dreams,
in lobbies of random buildings
doors opening and closing and time passing on all sides
everywhere
except where you stand
momentarily
lost and found and lost again


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. Photo by James Frid/pexels. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

The Least I Could Do

What you do for the least of theseโ€ฆ

God whispers from a corner

of the forest where I walk,

and there, beneath my feet

a convocation of earthworms

crossing the path,

etching their prayers in dirt

โ€ฆyou did for me

so I lift them gently

one at a time

one at a time

one at a time

to the safe green haven

trailside

thinkingโ€ฆ

how simple this task

how easy to take care

of those under foot

how bending down

to lift others up

is a sacred act,

a blessing

in this wicked, wicked world.


Earthworm tracks photo and poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Perennial

there will always be more to say
a one thing I didnโ€™t mention
a question I needed to ask
a reassurance or gratitude
or words I never, ever spoke out loud
a messy, beautiful bouquet
things Iโ€™ve gathered
for the next time we meet
by chance or happenstance
petals dropping
even as I walk away
a meadow of words at my feet
forget-me-not
nor I you, ever


Poem ยฉ2025, Jen Payne. Photo by James Frid/pexels. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity

Sleeping with Ghosts Playlist

AN INTIMATE EXPLORATION OF LOVE, MEMORY, AND MEANING

Known for her meditations and musings about our outside world, Connecticut writer Jen Payne takes readers inside this timeโ€ฆinto the heart and mind of a poet, where memories wander, hearts break, and ghosts appear in dreams. Those ghosts โ€” her lovers, soulmates, and muses โ€” reveal themselves slowly, one at a time, in this wistfully reflective, time-traveling memoir.

Order your copy today!


Listen to the Sleeping with Ghosts Playlist now.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Swashbuckler

His smile was Errol Flynn
from the get-go,
and he made no apologies
for the affect โ€”
the tight jeans
and cowboy boots,
the crisp white t-shirt
sleeves rolled, suntanned arms,
the hair done up and over,
the cologne as alluring
as the charm he used
to catch your attention.
And once he had it,
heโ€™d reel you in slow and steady,
until you would agree to anything
everything
and never look back,
not even now,
all these years later,
where he remains as legendary
as he was those first early days
when you rode the high seas together,
stared up at the wild stars
and knew you would
never
ever
forget.


Poem ยฉ2025 Jen Payne. Photo: Errol Flynn, from the poetโ€™s collection of random postcards. If you like this poem, youโ€™ll love my new book SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS, on sale now!

Categories
Creativity

Creatively Speaking: Summer Reading

I remember with much fondness my local libraryโ€™s summer reading programs. There was a large bulletin board with a hand-drawn map or roadway, and construction paper vehicles that we could move forward depending on how many books we had read.

Even now, I have a deep sweet memory of the summers when I was 11, 12, 13: riding my bike downtown, getting ice cream at the docks, and cooling off in the library lobby, before climbing the steps to the Childrenโ€™s Room presided over by Mrs. Mays.

Thank you Maribeth Breen, Henry Carter Hull Library, for these photos of Lynnabeth Mays.

Those were the years of Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, and authors like Judy Blume, Roald Dahl, and Beverly Cleary. Back then, all the magic of the world was held within the pages of their books!

This could explain my penchant for all things fiction, especially in the summer, when my To Be Read (TBR) list still includes magical realism, fantasy, and young adult novels.

Speaking of TBR lists, earlier this year โ€” in an effort to stop feeding the Amazon machine โ€” I switched from Goodreads to StoryGraph to keep track of my reads and want-to-reads. Itโ€™s a nice, easy-to-use application that even has an annual reading challenge, which Iโ€™ve been doing on Goodreads since 2013 โ€” old habits die hard, Mrs. Mays.

Have you heard of StoryGraph? Its a social cataloguing web platform for books that includes book profiles, reviews, and reader data. It was created by British software engineer Nadia Odunayo in 2019. Odunayo is kind of a rock star really, as StoryGraph currently has more than 3.5 million users! Watch an interview with her on the Today show, or sign up for StoryGraph here.

Iโ€™d share a link to my current StoryGraph Reading Challenge page, but Iโ€™m afraid I am woefully behind in my reading this year. Thirteen books behind, to be precise, and I doubt Iโ€™ll catch up. I blame it on 2025, which is giving wicked 2020 vibes, and my focus is following suit.

While my Books Iโ€™ve Read list is relatively short for the year, my TBR List keeps growing and growing. Itโ€™s at 526 books right now, which is 17 yearsโ€™ worth of reading at my current pace.

Iโ€™m trying to weed out some of the older listings, like the dozen or so books I added in 2020 while researching how to become a hermit. A lot of those 526 are out-of-print, or notes to self, or other books by my favorite authors. Some come from reading quizzes that add โ€œshould booksโ€ to the list โ€” as in โ€œsomeday I really should read In Search of Lost Timeโ€ or โ€œI really should read some Jane Austen.โ€

Try your hand at one of these quizzes and see how many books you add to your TBR list!

As for my own Summer Reading, I have a short stack of books in my literal TBR pile: The Murderbot Diaries, Martha Wells, The Staircase in the Woods, Chuck Wendig, Wake the Wild Creatures, Nova Ren Suma, Life Hacks for a Little Alien, Alice Franklin, The Postcard, Anne Berest, and Poetry Will Save Your Life, Jill Bialosky.

Whatโ€™s on your TBR pile this summer?

If you are in need of things to do, especially on the steamier days, stop by your local library. Many of them have summer reading programs for grown-ups as well as kids!

Happy Reading! Happy Summer!

โค๏ธ, Jen

BONUS! Download a copy of the
Blackstone Library’s Adult Summer Reading Program


Speaking of Booksโ€ฆ

Did you know that WORDS BY JEN offers book design and publishing services? Weโ€™ve helped dozens of local authors publish their writing โ€” from art books and cookbooks, to poetry books, works of fiction, history books, and memoirs.

Our publishing work has been praised by the Eric Hoffer Book Awards, Foreword Magazine, Independent Publisher Book Awards, International Book of the Month Club, New York Public Library Best Books, US Review of Books, Voice of Youth Advocates Magazine, and the Young Adult Library Services Association.

Have you always wanted to write and publish a book? Then give us a call to find out aboutโ€ฆ

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Categories
Creativity

Declaration of Independence

In Congress, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America, When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, —That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Categories
Creativity Nature

Considering Sue Holloway

For more than 20 years, I have hiked at a nature preserve here in my town. Its criss-crossing trails allow for easy walks around a pond and through the forest, and its 800 acres of open space provide for quiet contemplation, easy escape, and frequent inspiration.

This was the place that inspired my very early nature writing which became my first book Look Up! Musing on the Nature of Mindfulness. And it sparked a re-connection with being out in nature, and a feeling of companionship with it and its creatures that has fed my writing ever since.

Itโ€™s fed my spirit, too. Itโ€™s where I meditate, where I talk to god. On peaceful, early morning walks, I often find myself in quiet conversation with kindred spirits like Henry David Thoreau, Mary Oliver, and Emily Dickinson.

On a recent walk, I found myself thinking about Sue Holloway. Sue was a woman of the woods and a poet, too. She loved swans and butterflies. And she spent countless hours along the trails at the same nature preserve.

Sue was an adjunct professor in Ecofeminist Writing at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven, Connecticut. She was a member of the Swan Society and the Orion Grassroots Network.

Sue wrote a โ€œBack to Earthโ€ column for four Connecticut newspapers, and a โ€œWoman with Spiritโ€ column for Woman Magazine. Her editorials, photo features, articles, and poetry appeared in numerous publications, newspapers, and anthologies including Heart Beat of New England: An Anthology of Contemporary Nature Poetry. Sue published several books as well: A Community of Young Poets, Artemisโ€™ Arrow, and Swan in the Grail.

Her writing, as noted by one online biography, โ€œtraced themes of human intimacy and subjectivity with the rest of creation. Her intent was to promote affiliation, compassion, tolerance, and peace among people and among humans and creatures.โ€

Thomas Berry, the renowned visionary thinker who explored humanityโ€™s relationship to the earth and the universe, said of Sue: โ€œItโ€™s such a joy to come across someone who understands…The creatures in the surrounding world are all gracious companions on our great journey.โ€

She understood that deeply, as shown not only in her teaching and her writing, but in her actions, as well.

When a local conservation group organized a controlled burn of a meadow to thwart invasive weeds, despite the presence of animals, birds, and insects, Sue passionately resigned from its board, terminated her membership, and never looked back.

I was considering Sue Holloway and her enthusiastic stance recently, as I drove into the preserve I have considered sacred space all these years. There, along a pristine arc of the pond, a new gravel path had been bulldozed into place. A quarter mile of stone and boulder stanchions in the shadowy overlook where turtles once laid eggs and herons would land to rest.

As I walked the familiar paths that morning โ€”ย the words of a scathing protest letter forming in my mind, ideas for a clandestine remediation โ€”ย I thought about Sue and what she might think about the new walkway. I wondered what she should think about all of the changes in this special place where we both found solace.

What would she think of the increase in visitors who leave behind trash and bags full of dog poop, who hang Christmas decorations in the woods and tuck painted rocks into nooks and crannies, who toss food waste and rotting piles of birdseed along the trail?

What would she think of the infrastructure needed to support the increase in traffic โ€” the fabricated bridges in place of stepping stones and corduroy roads, the bulldozed woods road now 10 feet wide, the loose gravel tossed liberally atop muddy patches, the multitude of trail blazes hammered deep into bark?

How would she feel walking the trails forever changed by the microburst that destroyed the forest canopy, the rocky arid paths, the increase of invasive plants?  The stark evidence of climate change, the insects and tree diseases?

As I walked, I wondered what protest could be loud enough for all of that? What words, what actions, what effort could ever, ever turn the tide?

โ€œI urge each reader to make an informed choice about the destiny of these creatures, for it also defines ourselves.โ€ โ€” Sue Holloway

โ€œIn everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.โ€ โ€” Matthew 7:12 (NOAB)

– – – – –

Sue Hollowayโ€™s book Swan in the Grail can be borrowed from the Blackstone Memorial Library in Branford and found online to purchase. Many of her photographs can be found on the website All Creatures. Here are links to some of her articles:

– – – – –

Essay and photo ยฉ2025, Jen Payne

Categories
Creativity

The Ten Commitments

I love these and wanted to share with you! Click here to learn more. You can also download a poster and workbooks perfect for classrooms or the young children in your life.

Categories
Creativity

A Woods Walk in 2025

The sweet honeysuckle breeze is small consolation, brief relief from the headlines of heat waves and hatred. I set off to the woods this morning looking for some kind of solace or peace. But honestly? While my mother threatens to live another four years, Iโ€™m wondering if I have to. Everywhere I turn there are disappointments and discouragements, humans making inroads where they do not belong, humans caught where others say they shouldnโ€™t be, humans beingโ€ฆhuman. I am the generation of John Lennonโ€™s Imagine. Peace signs and hippie hope. But hate comes around again, and again. And again. As if hope and peace are delusions, the dream from which we wake to these long and painful days. I used to think myself the happy one, the silly one casting light into darkness. La La La. But my ninja thoughts tell me otherwise, and I spend my walk wondering about the energetic force necessary to uproot infrastructures.

Categories
Creativity

Bethlehem, PA – Part II

โ€œOur shadows are our histories. We drag them everywhere.โ€ โ€” About Grace, Anthony Doerr

In 1991, as the glory days of the Bethlehem Steel Mill were ending, I walked the grounds on a hauntingly overcast day and captured these shots.

Photos ยฉ2025, Jen Payne

Categories
Creativity

Bethlehem, PA – Part I

Last week, in one of those wonderful moments of happenstance, I met a local woman who โ€” we discovered while discussing her photography work โ€” was raised in the same town as my mom and dad. We got to talking about what it was like growing up there, how you really are made up of where you come from, and how the language of the place filters into conversations like ours and defines things without elaboration.

I wasnโ€™t born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania โ€” but my entire family was โ€” my momโ€™s family and all of Dadโ€™s, uncles and aunts, cousins. My parents, decades after moving to Connecticut, still called it Home, and for me, sometimes, it feels that way, too. As a child, we spent holidays and summers in Bethlehem, attended family weddings and funerals. Still, today, I can drive around the city without getting lost, find my way back to my grandparentsโ€™ houses, the cemeteries, the church where I was baptized and my parents were married.

So I knew, immediately, the location of the photographs in this local womanโ€™s portfolio. The view from the Southside that Walker Evans immortalized (above), the Kraken-like spires of the steel mill rising from the shore of the Lehigh River, the stories-high windows through which I used to watch molten steel flicker and pour as we drove through town.

Like my client, I have always been fascinated by the steel mill. It holds its place in my mind as the beating heart of the city, with its pulsing engines and machines. It was the center through which everything moved: the trains that woke me up at night, my grandfathers working night shifts, my grandmothers keeping house in the shadows of industry, the smell of iron ore on their skin.

If you have been there or lived there, you know that smell. You know the feel of Steel City, its rough-around-the-edges energy and patchwork culture of blue collar workers, religious sects, and immigrants. You know the hills of Southside, the porch-lit Moravian Stars, and you can see the famous steel stacks along the skyline. You see them, even now, as ghosts keeping watch over the casinos and concert venues, the museum dedicated to the long-gone industry that made its city famous.

The woman I met, Linda Cummings, is an artist-photographer with an incredible catalog of work. You can see her collection of Bethlehem, PA images on her website. Theyโ€™re part of a larger collection of work called Slippages that will be featured in her new book of the same name.


Essay ยฉ2025, Jen Payne IMAGE: Walker Evans, Graveyard, Houses, and Steel Mill, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

Categories
Creativity Poetry

I Love Summer: An Ode of Sorts

I love summer

how the ants know itโ€™s coming
before the rest of us realize,
how they announce its arrival in a
parade across my kitchen counter,
their appreciation of the small morsels of sugar
Iโ€™ve misplaced, the renegade crumbs

how the mosquitos are consistent
in the hum-hum-sting of their assault
at the backs of my arms, my legs, my scalp
and at the sweet tender skin of my ankles,
how assertively their bites manifest
as persistently-itchy welts
long after the union of
proboscis and skin

I love the sharp pungent aroma of bug spray
its perfumed plumes of offense
that linger on clothing and linens,
its placebo effect that lulls one into thinking
a stroll in the grass or evening walk
is not the suicidal effort it inevitably becomes
how calamine, all these years later, still has little effect

I love how the sun is brighter and hotter now,
how it sizzles in the sky and scares off cloud cover,
how sun begets sweat that trickles down my neck
and back and armpits and the crooks of my knees
so that everything is damp and humid and sticky
including my sheets at night, and the pillows, too
no matter how often I wake and flip them to the cool side,
no matter the window unit chugging along
the fan blowing luke-warm air and irony

how humidity hangs in the air,
keeps everything summer moist
swells up my fingers, makes mock raisins
of my toes in their constricting summer sandals
that bind and dig-in, leave criss-cross marks
like tattoos that say Summer Was Here

I love the incessant noise of lawn mowers
the ARRRRRR ARRRRR ARRRRR beat of blades
the tease as they fade around the corner
but return for another stanza
often accompanied by the
RRRRRRA-ZZZ-ZZZ RRRRRRA-ZZZ-ZZZ
of the weed whacker

Ohโ€ฆall of those summer noises!
the startling shock of motorcycle manhood as it revs its engine
just as it passes my open window,
the cigarette boat in the harbor insisting no it
is bigger and better than any motorbike
the backing-up beep of the landscape van,
the beat box boom box bass of radios blasting music nobody likes,
the violent scream of the chain saw against even more trees,
the fireworks erupting to celebrate their own percussive noises
in an ongoing summer competition of what the fuck can be louder than this?

I love the busy-ness of summer:
the ants and mosquitos mere poster children
for the weeds, the outside chores,
and the inside chores,
the long and sprawling list of Things to Do
and Places to Be and just how many
carnivals, fairs, markets, and outdoor sweaty buggy get togethers
can one fit into a two-day weekend that requires
hours of slogging through touristy traffic
crawling along at 20 sweaty, noisy miles an hour

Perhaps, though, what I love most about summer
is that tortuous steamy day in August,
as heat forms in waves off the macadam
and gossip spreads of eggs frying and Lucifer rising,
when the air conditioner coughs its last breaths
of what passes at that point for โ€œCoolโ€
when you look, then, to the heavens
to beseech god up above to make it stop
and you see what appears to be trees aflameโ€ฆ
and know, intuitively, that soon it will end
graciously and gloriously end.


Poem ยฉ2025 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, you can read similar in my books and zines, available from Three Chairs Publishing on my ETSY SHOP. They come autographed, with gratitude and a small gift.

Categories
Creativity

Help Me Continue Manifest (zine)

Since 2020, MANIFEST (zine) has presented writing, art, photography, and creative bits of whatnot in a series of zines ranging in topics from creativity, grief, change, the environment, social issues, and finding refuge in turbulent times.

It’s an eclectic combination of lit mag, artist book, and poetry chapbook, that also includes a curated Spotify playlist. Beautifully printed, it’s layered with colors, textures, meanings (and music), the result is a thought-full, tactile journey with nooks and crannies for you to discover.

But since 2020, the costs for printing and postage have increased dramatically. And while there is a steady and loyal list of subscribers, it’s getting harder and harder to print and mail out issues on a regular, quarterly basis.

That’s why I’m hoping to raise $1,000 for production to take us through 2026, including the Spring 2025 issue, PERCEPTION, which has been ready to go to press since March.

As a thank-you for each donation of $25, I will mail you (or a recipient of your choosing) one of the following:

  • One copy of any of my books: LOOK UP! Musings on the Nature of Mindfulness, Evidence of Flossing: What We Leave Behind, Waiting Out the Storm, Water Under the Bridge: A Sort-of Love Story, or Sleeping with Ghosts.

With the first 10 donations, I can send PERCEPTION off to press and get to work on the summer issue!

Thank you for your ongoing support!

*Excluding issue #1 โ€“ Divine Intervention and  #14 โ€“ You Mean a Woman Can Open It? which are current out of print)

Categories
Creativity Poetry

Clamor

I am back on terra firma, sound rushing through my feet and up in a cacophony of thought, worry, consternation that somehow fades on the coast, transitions into whitecaps and whale song, a quiet not to be found among these common conflicts at home, the roar of traffic, the flight plan overhead, the bells and buzzes of business.

How is the sound of the ocean and all its occupants some two miles deep meager competition to the loudness of this day today? The ever present noise of them and us and thisโ€ฆeven here in my beloved woods.


Poem & Photo ยฉ2025 Jen Payne. If you like this poem, you can read similar in my books and zines, available from Three Chairs Publishing on my ETSY SHOP. They come autographed, with gratitude and a small gift.