A McDreamy Wandering

He shows up as Derek Shepherd,
of course…

I’m re-binging Grey’s Anatomy after all,
from the top
all 435 episodes

Call it
guilty pleasure
comfort food
insulation
election distraction

Anyhow…

he shows up as Derek Shepherd,
and he is the person I remember
warm and charming and happy
and he loves me

It feels green and shady
like home
familiar and safe
and where I’m supposed to be

Until I offer him a cup of coffee
and he says
“That’s OK, we have some in the car”
and I know she’s outside waiting

I mean, she’s freaking Isabella Rossellini
except she’s
Zoë Saldaña
Thandie Newton
tall, thin, athletic
academic
catholic
the anti-me
in every way possible

I feel in my heart
this incredible disappointment
as I search methodically for
the old worn copy of
Gulliver’s Travels
that he’s asked to borrow

and I can’t help but wonder
even in that dreamspace
why he looks like Derek Shepherd,
why he wants to read Jonathan Swift
and why the book I pull from the shelf is
my hardcover copy of Walden instead

it’s my favorite,
the one with the margin notes
from my Dad in pencil, ALL CAPS

it was one of the things
they had in common
except my Dad’s notes were
smart and thoughtful,
and “Derek’s” were critical
mean and pedantic

As I walk him to the elevator
and say goodbye, again,
I realize how easily I am moving,
how my body feels just fine,
familiar and safe
and where I’m supposed to be

and while I might feel disappointed
still, sometimes,
I am happy to have been set free
loosened from what bound me there
in that small, small place
where I could hardly ever breathe

Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows