This is Grieving

It occurred to me this morning — after I went back to bed for two hours because why not? and then spent the next hour filling up every space in my thinking with busyness so as not to actually think think  — that this is Grieving.

This is the day after Death.

This is the day after Death because yesterday you woke up to (mostly, sort of, relatively) normal, and today you know Death.

You not only know Death, you have spent the last day sparring with it. You have cried with it, made inappropriate jokes with it, yelled at it, cursed it, and feared what comes after it. You’ve thought about all of the things you were planning before Death, and tried not to think about all of the things that won’t happen after it.

This is Grief.

Grief is the emotional response to loss. And don’t underestimate it. Don’t think this Grief is somehow less than the Grief you knew when your loved one died or when your relationship ended. This Grief is just as big and real and significant.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is known for establishing the Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. You might think this a chronological, step-by-step process. It’s actually what one would see if they looked at your psyche up-close in a microscope at any minute of the day right now. ALL of that — Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance — floating around in your cells 24/7.

In Judaism, Shiva is an honoring of Grief. It is the week-long period during which people mourn the loss of a loved one. They sit together, usually on low benches to symbolize their grief or “feeling low.” They avoid work and regular routines, talk quietly with family and friends. They don’t worry about their physical appearance, often wear old or torn clothes, light a candle in memory of the loss.

This is Mourning.

The seven days of Shiva are followed by 23 days of Mourning that include limited social activity, prayers, and other rituals. This period of 30 days is called Shloshim.

There are many ways to mourn and many rituals for Mourning. How you experience it depends on “your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you”

Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

This is Grieving.

Which does not mean we’ve stopped caring. Or stopped advocating. Or stopped working to make this world a better place for everyone.

There will be time for all of that again. And soon.

For now, practice self-care: exercise, meditate, eat healthy food, drink water, try to get enough sleep.

Find good things to occupy your time: read a book, spend time with a hobby, go for a long walk, take a drive.

Talk with friends. Follow a routine. Be easy with yourself.

For now, allow yourself the time to feel low. To be quiet. To rest.

This is Grieving.

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For more about Grief, please read the following articles which were helpful in writing this essay.

“The Stages of Grief and What to Expect,” by Kimberly Holland,

“Death Rituals, Ceremonies & Traditions Around the World,” by Tracey Wallace

“Shiva, the First Seven Days of Mourning,” by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin,

“Coping with Grief and Loss, Stages of Grief, the Grieving Process, and Learning to Heal,” by Melinda Smith, M.A., Lawrence Robinson and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

©2024, Jen Payne. Photo by Ekaterina Astakhova.